THIS IS YOUR GODDESS SPEAKING!

[Malaclypse 666]

Newcastle System:
Comm ID: Lighfoot
0300 Hrs U.T.
Ship status: Auto flight towards Manchester jump hole. No squawks.

Zzzzzzzzzz.......

"LIGHTFOOT! THIS IS YOUR GODDESS SPEAKING!"

..Huh? What the bloody H...? Get off my Comms!

"LIGHTFOOT! I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU!"

..Alright! Just tone it down a few decibels, eh??

"Oh, sorry. Is that better? Been a while since I spoke with Humans.

..Yeah, won't go deaf now at least. What's all this, then? Which bloody goddess are you talkin' about.

"The ancient Greeks knew me as Eris. The Romans, Discordia. I lived on Olympus, until they shunned me."

..Yeah, Yeah, and I'm bloody King Arthur.. so what's...

"LIGHTFOOT! SHUT UP and let me deliver my message!!"

..Alright! Don't get yer knickers in a knot, but let me get a beer first. (Rheumy Tart!)

"OK. Lightfoot, it has come to My attention and amusement that the human race has finally returned home to the Sirius System, as predicted by the 20th Century prophet Wilson..

"It also has come to my attention that the forces of Order seem to be getting the upper hand around the place. Everywhere you look, Order. This fulfills the Aneristic Principle. But balancing the Sacred Chao requires that we honor the Eristic Principle as well. For that reason I have contacted you, Lightfoot. You are charged with restoring the balance of the Sacred Chao."

..Are ya a Hindu then, too?? Goin' on about cows 'n such. And what's this about Principles??? I'm a bloody unprincipled Trader. Not likely to restore anything...

"You'll do fine, Lightfoot. Here, boot this up and read it. It's our Holy Tome, the
Principia Discordia. Read it well, for it will be your guiding light as well as your Ops Manual; for we, Lightfoot are going to create a new Power in Sirius. We shall revive the Erisian Liberation Front to its former glory! The Sacred Chao shall be our Sigil! The Golden Apple of Eris will once again roll through the halls of the Pentagon!



..A new power?? And where we gonna get that power??

"Read the book."

..And how are we gonna fight all those orderly types, eh??

"Read the book."

..But who's gonna join some organization on the word of some trader who hears voices on his comms channel??

"Read the damn book!! And meanwhile, clean the pee stains off the toilet and learn to put the seat down, because I'm making this my flagship for awhile."

..Splutter.. cough.. hack... you're.. gonna.. make... my....

"I don't see you reading yet!!!!! Lessee we can rename this tub.. mmm... "Eris_Ascendant". Yeah, that's it. Bring me a hot dog!

Epiphany the 2nd:

Magellan system
0800 UT
Status. Docked. Security Bots activated. All systems in Standby.

LIGHTFOOT! IS THAT ALL YOU DO IS SLEEP???? WAKE UP!!!!

. Oh bloody Hell! I thought I was just hallucinatin last night. I need to put a timelock on the cargo hold.. stay out of the samples. Whaddya want?!? ..And tone it down, alright?

Listen, if youre gonna run this Mob, Im gonna need a little more cooperation. Did you read the Book yet?

. Did. Gave me a bloody headache. All them 5s n 23's n Coinky Dinks.. seems a lot of gibberish ta me! Who came up with this??

Well, for your information, bucko, the Holy Tome was first envisioned by the Prophets Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Khayam Ravenhurst in a bowling alley in Walnut Creek, CA, Old Earth. But thats neither here nor there! All the truths, lies, and indeterminisms we need to get this operation rolling are right there. CAN WE GET STARTED???

I havent even had breakfast yet, Eris, but go ahead. I can see I wont be getting any peace around here until Ive heard ye out.

Thats better! Now, we need to talk about organization. What can you tell me about how this particular Tunnel Reality functions?

Well, that current powers that be around here are a shadowy group known as Admin. They need to know certain things if You and the Erisian Liberation Front are gonna be accepted around Sirius.

Lord more Order. Were definitely needed. And what are these certain things?

..well the first I spose Youve already decided.. what to call this mob, and how well know our fellow members.

Right. The Erisian Liberation Front it is! And the tagging thing? Well keep it short and catchy: [ELF] !

then they require some sort o statement of purpose like. Ye know.. ideals, goals, what were on about

"Holy Pentabarf! Cant they read the bloody Book just like you did? Its all in there! Even though Ive gotten a bad rep for Chaos, its all about balance. Keeping the Hodge and the Podge from overpowering each other. What more do they need??

Well, theyd like to know who we plan on befriendin, and who were apt to be plinkin at, and who well just thumb our noses at in passin..

Indeterminate. You know as well as I do that the Balance changes every bloody minute!

but theyll wanna know!

Sheesh. Didnt have this much trouble dealing with that lazy bunch on Olympus! But, I guess if we have to choose sides, well stick with the Eristic Forces for now. Who would that be?

Hmm. Thatd be the pirates, I guess. And theres a real rowdy bunch called the Phantoms, but they dont like anybody much. And some shadowy Traders who sport the [IND] tag. I guess theyd be possible friends..

Sweet! And the Aneristic Forces? The ones well be plinking at should the need arise?

Well.. anybody wearin fruit salad on their jackets, I guess. All the main Houses are pretty stodgey about Order n such. I guess theyd be the ones wed be doin the O.M. thing to..

(Ed. note: the above link appears to have been censored.. you may have to type in the naughty bits manually to learn more about Operation Mind****.)

You DID read the Book! Cmere and give your Goddess a big goose! What else?

Theres a bit more to it, but I can hardly hear ye for me grumblin stomach! Can we have some bloody breakfast before continuin??

Sigh I had forgotten how weak these mortals be. Go fill your hollow leg. Im off to learn more about these factions and (shudder) rules.

...Sigh... Hail, Eris, 'n pass the bacon.

Epiphany the 3rd:

*Mal! Wake up, Mal! We need to get started! Your Goddess is tired of pussyfooting around while you imitate a buzzsaw!*

"Wha? We've worked half the night! I can't even see my input console any more, I'm so bleary. Wait! Where is the input console?!?"

*You're talking to it. Pay attention, Mal. No more keyboards. No input pads. No twirling of dials. And if you'd quit standing there with your jaw on the floor, you might actually provide some input!*

"The bulkhead.. my rear bulkhead, it's gone! And that's a.. a Lounge where the bulkhead used to be! What have you done to my ship??!"

*Calm down, Mal! While you were getting your winks I drove your old X-Tub over to The Universe Next Door and had a few improvements made. I have an old girlfriend over there named Gay Deceiver. She's a smart girl, for a sentient computer, and knows a bit about manipulating those quantum thingies. I can do it too, but she's better at making them stay manipulated. Mine still tend to jump about.. that chaos thing, I guess.*

"But... this ship is HUGE! And your voice is different, and you Keep Calling me MAL!"

*It's not really that big, Mal, relativistically speaking. I thought you'd be pleased. And I sound different because at the moment I'm living in your new ship's computer. Gay helped me design it. So, when you're talking to me, you're actually talking to F.N.O.R.D: "Fractal Neurolinguistic Obfuscation & Randomization Device*

*And finally I've decided that "Lightfoot" is not a fitting name for the new Episkopus Prime of the Erisian Liberation Front atall, atall. It' more fitting for a burglar, or a sissy. One of my most endearing converts and prophets back in the old US... uh.. Liberty, was named Malaclypse the Younger. So in His honor, I dub thee Malaclypse. And since there'll never be another Younger, you'll be Malaclypse 666. The Beastie number is my token of appreciation to Gay for her assistance*

"Alright then, since you've shanghaid, melted, and blown my ship up like a balloon, made yerself at home in my computer, and taken the liberty of changing my name to Milquetoast or something, can we get on with this sodding recruitment drive you've got planned??

"I know one lad who might be just right to lead the Golden Apple Corp...."

*You're a Peach, Mal. Hot dog?"


((// My special thanks to Robert Anton Wilson and the real Mal, Greg Hill; and dedicated to the memory of Bob Shea and Kerry Thornley (And now to Robert as well, of course). You boys have made my life a Trick Top Hat for forty some-odd years.))