With where I'm going and how drastically I and my life have changed I decided to start this. I won't read over it once I write it down, no looking back. I've been made ignorant in that sense, but in my line of work thinking backward creates future hesitation. So whoever finds this, you'll see things through my lens, through the reflection of my blade, through the glass of my helms seat. You will know what one of the Lane Hacker's most lethal killers knew. Believe me, to say I've been "exposed a bit too fast" is an understatement.
It's been so long since I've seen my family, since I've been back to my old home. They managed to retreat back once I left, once I started scurrying the suburbs of liberty like a rat for money and what I thought would be "adventure". I can't actually recall how long it's been specifically, I've been in touch over the comms network. My parent's aren't exactly proud, but I'm their only child. They'll be forced to love me for the next century or two, or until either they die or I die. The chances seem to be getting more and more even every-time the I/C gives me a hitlist.
Am I disappointed in myself for leaving now? No, I most certainly am not. I've been given far more respect here, my talents have grown exponentially. I've been influenced by some of the greatest minds in Sirius. All the while being the badass they call on when someone needs a proper ass-kicking.
Each sparr session is different, each flight mission, each training session for everything has started to shift. They're expecting more of me, they know I'm not the type to grip a ton of responsibility for other individuals though. I have a feeling where they might put me if I do make my next goal.
At first I thought it was a "when" but now it seems to be an ever growing "if". I don't have the patience to be an Intel operative, to do the Intelligence-mastery two-faced bullshitting with some random third party just for another once-a-month hint at what I need. Sure I can keep a secret, I can put two and two together and piece together the larger picture. But my temper, and my patience level (which is has never existed) just aggravate everything. Yoshida, King, Clay, they've all seen it. Since they've noticed, hopefully I won't be the one bossing others around all the time everyday like they do if and when the time comes. I guess you could say I'm the "Lone Wolfe".
Cutting to the chase a bit more though on the family drama, my family's been nagging on me more to know what it is I'm doing here. They know the gist of it, but they also know about the whole "individuality" bullshit that runs in the inner Circle. Every time I hold down that radio key, every time I think of telling them. I get afraid for some reason, I'm afraid to look back in time. I don't do it on my own, but something about my family makes me think back as I'm typing the message. I don't know... they're my family, I want them to be proud of me I guess. They'd disown me if they knew what I did, what I've done. They'd think of me and all they'd see is Dorian Grey's portrait. Stained, rotten, disgusting - reflecting every sin.
Hopefully the rest of the month goes a bit more smoothly. I think I need to lock myself out of emails for the rest of the year. At least until this bullshit with EFL has run its course.
With the war over now it's only a matter of time before these alliances break up and I'll have a hitlist with more names than the amount of characters in this entry. Better get back to it.
