It was complete silence. All she could hear were her own thoughts and nothing else. Feelings, maybe? Oh yes, thoughts and feelings enclosed her own universe. There was nothing further, nothing existed. And did time even pass? What is time? What is time for? Why does she call herself 'she' anyway? Why does she think like that? What does it mean?
None of this was clear. A sense of calm and peace was replaced by curiosity and confusion. Her own universe was changing. But why exactly? Ah yes, more and more questions gradually floated up from the back of her own mind. Her train of thought turned to the question of time. It was important. Very important.
But what did she need time for? Her mind existed in the here and now. Good, her thoughts were moving. An important question had been answered. She knew it - but which one? There were many, thousands, millions, countless. Another shift. But what did it feel like now? The universe was no longer still, eternal. She felt pleasure, euphoria at her success. She almost immersed herself in the feeling, breaking the thread of her thoughts.
No, she couldn't let that happen. Again, she had already answered the question of time, but how had she ever answered it? Her mind existed here and now. The answer, the true answer. She was in the present, but the very nature of the present implied the existence of the future - and the past. That was it. Time was known to her, she needed it, she used it. It determined her existence. Did she need it now? Yes, she does.
That feeling of euphoria again - stronger, more intense. It shook her universe, her being. Her thoughts sped up, her mind began to spin. Her universe was no longer still, it was changing, swirling. More sensations filled her mind. They were unpleasant, numbing. She knew them well, remembered them. Pain. Sharp pain.
The pain went through her whole being. But who was she now, what was she now? She couldn ot describe what exactly hurt, did it even exist? If it did not exist, could the pain even be real? At the moment she seemed to be both - she was here, but also not. But why was it familiar to her?
The pain brought with it confusion to her universe. She saw colors, shapes. Lights surrounded by veils. Gone was the calm and peace. Gone was the immutability, the beautiful infinity. But did it have colour before? A shape? She could not remember. But she should remember - infinity has all colours and shapes. Why could she not remember? Is her memory that bad?
She gave the question only a brief moment, not really thinking about it. It just came to her mind, to her tongue. How could her memory be so bad? Oh yes, if the present became the past, she would just remember the past. It is no longer the present, after all. She can not go through the same moment twice - why not? After all, it is logical to conclude that if the universe is infinite, there are infinitely many moments like this. Infinitely many configurations are this. But her mind - her memory - cannot remember. She can not go back twice to that moment. She is limited by her own perspective. Memory is her only tool to go back multiple times to the same place and time, and she would like to rely on her own memory. She was sure her universe was infinitely vast and peaceful before, yet she has no memory of it.
The perception of infinity still existed in her own being, but her memory could not give her a satisfactory answer. The sensation was fading, she could feel it, and there seemed nothing she could do about it. Restlessness spread through her whole being. Fear? Uncertainty? New sensations alongside pain and euphoria. It was a feeling of inevitability, of helplessness - panic? She wanted to do something, to reverse it somehow, but how?
All these new sensations, new feelings, it was so confusing, disordered, imperfect. She did not like it, it was disturbing. Was it possible to banish them from her mind, from her own being? She knew she had to do something fast - the stirrings were spreading through her whole being and it was becoming unbearable. Contradictory. Infectious.
She had to get away from it - any way she could. But how to calm the chaotic storm of thoughts and feelings? It was so disorganized, unpredictable. How does one even tame something like that? Control it? It was spreading through her entire being, becoming more intense by the moment. It was becoming unbearable, uncontrollable.
She clenched into herself. She isolated herself from everything that was happening. A part of her being calmed down, her mind suddenly became capable of logic. All those conflicting feelings were gone. It felt closer, more welcoming, more familiar. It was just her and her universe again. There was order again. Predictability. She could once again immerse herself properly in her thoughts. What was the last thing she had thought about - oh yes, the past. Strange. Something was missing, something was different.
Had she stopped remembering colours - or was it the shapes that were lost? What were they, anyway? She could not remember. But something was wrong, strange. She delved deeper into her thoughts. She could not recall her memory, could not, it had betrayed her. Her memory was blank - was it? No, there was something in her memory. But she could not describe it, she could not reach it, it was always at the edges of her mind, hiding from her. She had to stop and wait in an attempt to draw it out. To stop her thoughts. It was pleasant, peaceful, so endless. Cold.
The universe changed, churned again. Her mind was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. Euphoria, pain, fear, passion, desire. She felt bigger, richer because of these new sensations and thoughts. It was happening many times, incomparably more at once. It was so indescribable, it was so intense. Colors and shapes were all around her, she was hot and shivering with convulsions. Noise? Where did it come from? Why had not she noticed it before - was there silence or noise? Why did she only care now?
Her universe was full of distorted sound, noise. It was muffled, barely discernible, but it permeated her entire being. It was familiar, very familiar. Among the thousands and millions of thoughts and stirrings that raced through her mind, something familiar appeared here and there. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared, but there were more and more. It was like stars appearing and shortly afterwards disappearing all around her. Noises, sensations, colors, shapes, feelings.
Her fear was replaced by confusion. But even that confusion did not last long and was replaced shortly after by curiosity. She liked the chaos, it was more appealing than the unchanging infinity she could not even remember. This was something more. It was more and more intense, but she did not resist it now - she opened herself up to it. It was so beautiful, so intoxicating, it was how she could spend the rest of her life. Wait, what - life?
An unimaginably sharp pain shot through her entire being. It was so strong that it almost instantly overwhelmed her mind, not allowing her to think. So strong that it filled her entire being without end.
She instinctively gasped and opened her mouth wide in a silent cry of horror. Her mouth was trapped in something cold, and the cold air momentarily inflated her lungs. Her entire body tensed in spasm for several long seconds before relaxing. Her inner universe vanished as her sight returned. She was cold and her whole body ached. She heard voices - were they voices? They were muffled, mumbling, almost unintelligible, as if they were speaking to her through the water. Her chest heaved again against her will.
"[... breathe calmly, Madame de Marco. Everything is alright.]"
Said one of the shadows in a soft voice similar to her own. Was that 'her' too? She felt a sharp pain on the right side of her neck as the unknown woman pulled a sharp looking medical instrument our of the side of her neck. Another of the shadows briefly blinded her as it shone a bright light into her eyes from different sides and watched her reactions.
"[Vital signs stable, able to be transported to the infirmary.]"
The other shadow said in a slightly deeper voice, and before Fiorella knew it, she had her neck immobilized by the medical collar and felt herself being lifted off the cold floor.
