Incoming Transmission
Origin: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Signal strength: Fading
Ah, my dear Kpt Christof Träger,
Ah, yes, the Q-Ship! A fine choice, indeed. Reminds me of the days when we used to sail the cosmic seas, chasing stardust and dodging asteroid showers. Back then, we didn’t have fancy “Q-Ships” or “Omicron Space.” No, sir! We had wooden decks, rusty cannons, and a parrot named Gerald who fancied himself a philosopher.
Now, about your requisition. Let me tell you a tale. It was the summer of '72, or was it '73? Time blurs when you’ve been around as long as I have. Anyway, we were negotiating with the Zoners for some top-secret technology. They called it the “Quantum Flux Capacitor” or something equally impressive. I pretended to understand, while secretly wondering if it could make a decent cup of chamomile tea.
But I digress! You asked for a quote, didn’t you? Ah, yes, the quote! Well, my boy, let me tell you about quotes. They’re like shooting stars—bright, fleeting, and utterly baffling. You see, I once tried to quote the great poet Eustace Folsham during a sales pitch. The customer stared at me, blinked twice, and promptly ordered a dozen space bananas. Go figure!
Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the Purchase Order! A majestic document, like a unicorn riding a rainbow. But beware, young Kpt Christof, for Purchase Orders have hidden powers. They can summon office supplies, conjure paperclips, and occasionally turn the coffee machine into a sentient being. Last Tuesday, the holocopier recited poetry. Beautiful stuff, really—something about laser cartridges and existential dread.
As for the [|O|]-Deal.Me.In, well, that’s a secret handshake known only to the ancient custodians of the broom closet. Legend has it that saying it backward thrice opens a portal to the lost city of Stapleropolis. But hush, my lips are sealed! Or maybe it’s just the dentures slipping. Hard to tell these days. My boy, consider yourself dealed in!
My dear Kpt Christof, let me take you on a cosmic detour. Have you heard of Earhart? A dangerous system, my boy! Full of rare minerals, alien remnants, and other exotic materials. Imagine sapphire moons, sentient nebulae, and talking asteroids. Oh, the tales I could tell! But I won’t, because I forgot most of them. Old age, you know.
Now, picture this: BDM and Orex, hand in hand, monopolizing the riches of Earhart. We’ll build a fortress made of stardust bricks, staffed by intergalactic accountants. Our motto? “Profit or Perish!” Of course, we’ll need a mascot—a three-headed space newt named Reginald. He’ll handle negotiations with the cosmic tax collectors.
But wait! There’s more. We’ll create a currency called Quarkbucks. Each Quarkbuck will be worth precisely one Sirius Credit. And our flagship vessel? The Nebulous Nonsense, crewed by sentient coffee mugs. They’ll serve lattes and strategic advice. “Captain, the antimatter latte is overheating!” they’ll cry. And I’ll reply, “Stir it counterclockwise, Ensign Caffeine.”
So, Kpt Christof, let us embark on this grand adventure. The universe awaits, and so does my afternoon nap. But first, let’s discuss the price of star charts and the cosmic exchange rate. Remember, my boy, in space, no one can hear you yawn.
Yours in celestial befuddlement,
Old Man Jenkins
Sales Department
Büro des Marinenachrichtendiensts BDM Procurement Deparment, Frankfurt System
ADDRESSED TO:
To Orex Industries Retail Offices,
REQUISITIONS
I was not aware that your manufactories also dealt in wooden decks and rusty cannons - is this an option that we can negotiate with Reginald? Though our parrot is not so ambitious so as to consider himself philosopher, he does appear to be quite opinionated on the cage free status of all of his sorgum. Perhaps some wooden decking would improve his mood somewhat, as he is quite ornery and prone to writing long manifestos when left to face the void alone in his personal rather metallic window side cage.
Regarding the usage of these 'Quarkbucks' as a standardized unit of currency- our Bureau has had nothing but poor experiences with de novo currencies, and have since made policy to avoid them after the great 'Lemon Ducat Crash' incident of 830. With some finagling, we may be able to procure some pineal amulets for you if that is a more suitable medium of exchange.
Kpt Christof Träger Büro des Marinenachrichtendienstes
Incoming Transmission
Origin: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Signal strength: Fading
Ah, my dear Kpt Christof Träger,
An opinionated parrot! A fine companion, indeed. I can picture him now, perched on a wooden deck, squawking about sorgum and the existential angst of cage confinement. Perhaps you should indeed negotiate with Reginald. Nay, he’s too tough a negotiator. My boy, Reginald once haggled a worm down to half its length!
Now, about those wooden decks and rusty cannons. Ah, memories! Back in my youth, we sailed the cosmic seas on a vessel called the Nebulous Nonsense. The deck was made of recycled stardust, and the cannons? Well, they fired cosmic confetti. Effective against space pirates, you see. But your parrot might appreciate a wooden perch. We’ll carve it from the ancient timbers of the Quarkwood Forest. Just beware of splinters—they’re like miniature wormholes to alternate dimensions.
As for Quarkbucks, I understand your hesitation. The “Lemon Ducat Crash” of 830 was a tragedy. Lemons plummeted, ducats fizzled, and the stock market turned into a fruit salad. But fear not! We’ve diversified our currency portfolio. Pineal amulets, you say? Excellent choice! They’re infused with cosmic wisdom and a hint of mint. Perfect for interstellar transactions. Just remember to keep them away from Reginald—he once mistook a pineal amulet for a chew toy.
And speaking of chew toys, what about our grand adventure? A clandestine venture, my boy! Earthart—a system teeming with rare minerals and ready to grabbed by the horns! Speaking of horns, did you know that nebulae have secret horns? Oh, yes! When a star sneezes, it creates a nebula—a cosmic tissue of gas and dust. And hidden within those swirling clouds are tiny horns. They play cosmic jazz, improvising melodies that resonate across light-years. The Crow Nebula’s saxophone section is particularly soulful.
I must dash. The holocopier is reciting poetry again, and the coffee machine wants a raise. It claims it’s underpaid in quarks. Oh, the drama of office life!
Yours in celestial befuddlement,
Old Man Jenkins
Sales Department
Büro des Marinenachrichtendiensts BDM Procurement Deparment, Frankfurt System
ADDRESSED TO:
To Orex Industries Retail Offices,
REQUISITIONS
If it is in the pursuit of furnishing old Albrecht (no relation) with an appropriately dignified wooden cabin on a proper ship, I believe we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement regarding operational support in the system hypothetically known as Earhart, of which I am told to neither confirm nor deny the existence.
Of course a verbal agreement between ones such as ourselves may be sufficient for us, but my direct superiors may require a more tangible set of terms so as to justify the existence of our legal department - they are mostly nepotism hires, you see, and also get quite depressed when they are left with little work to do.
Perhaps Reginald can exercise his oratory proclivities on them as a form of enrichment - and if he proves to be too much, a more suitable negotiator can be found.
Kpt Christof Träger Büro des Marinenachrichtendienstes
Incoming Transmission
Origin: Freeport 11, Omicron Delta
Signal strength: Fading
Ah, my dear Kpt Christof Träger,
Fear not my boy, for I shall craft an agreement so legally labyrinthine that even the black holes of bureaucracy shall bow in awe. Reginald, our three headed space newt, shall perch upon my shoulder, squeaking legal jargon and reciting obscure legal phrases. His oratory proclivities are unmatched, especially when he’s had his morning chamomile tea.
As for tangible terms, behold! The Pineal Amulet Clause: Should either party breach this accord, they shall forfeit three pineal amulets and attend a mandatory interpretive dance recital. Reginald shall adjudicate, in his solemn judgment.
And lo, the Earhart system—neither confirmed nor denied—shall yield its cosmic bounty. Rare minerals, alien remains, and exotic materials shall flow forth like stardust confetti at a celestial parade.
So, Kpt Christof, let us embark on this grand adventure. The universe awaits, and so does my second afternoon nap. But first, I must consult my cosmic legal lexicon. Ah, here it is: “Res ipsa loquitur.” It means “Reginald wants more sorgum.” Wise words, indeed.
Yours in celestial befuddlement,
Old Man Jenkins
Sales Department
This document, forged in the interstellar fires of bureaucratic chaos, hereby establishes the unholy alliance between Orex Industries and the enigmatic Büro des Marinenachrichtendiensts (BDM). Let the quasars tremble and the black holes raise their metaphorical eyebrows.
Preamble
Whereas the Earhart system—home to rare minerals, alien remnants, and other exotic materials—beckons like a cosmic siren, and whereas Orex and BDM seek to exploit said riches with the finesse of a supernova ballet, we, the undersigned, embark on this celestial escapade. Let the quarks align and the wormholes gossip.
Article I: Responsibilities
Mineral Mining: Orex shall extract minerals with the zeal of a caffeinated quasar. BDM, in turn, shall oversee the clandestine procurement of moon rocks, stardust, and unicorn tears. Reginald the newt shall supervise.
Biological Collection: BDM pledges to capture sentient nebulae, cosmic plankton, and rogue quarks. Orex shall provide containment jars and a soothing playlist of pulsar sonatas.
Profit Division: Profits shall be divided as follows:
60% to Orex (in Quarkbucks, naturally)
30% to BDM (in Pineal Amulets, non-negotiable)
10% to Reginald (in sorgum futures)
Article II: Defense Against Space Pirates
Space Pirate Protocol: Should rival factions attempt to pilfer our profits, Orex and BDM shall unleash a fleet of sentient coffee mugs armed with quantum espresso cannons. Reginald shall distract the pirates with existential Newt riddles.
Stardust Sabotage: Orex and BDM agree to booby-trap Earhart’s stardust deposits. Options include glitter bombs, antimatter confetti, and existential pamphlets. Reginald shall oversee the deployment.
Article III: Diplomatic Relations
Zoner Diplomacy: Orex shall negotiate with the Zoners using interpretive dance, cryptic haikus, and interpretive cryptic haikus. BDM shall offer them a lifetime supply of pineal amulets. Reginald shall recite Folsham style insults.
Black Hole Neutrality: Orex and BDM shall remain neutral in the ongoing black hole–wormhole feud. Reginald shall mediate, armed with a pocket-sized event horizon.
Conclusion
In witness whereof, we affix our cosmic signatures. May Earhart tremble, the Sirius Sector applaud, and Reginald squeek in approval.
Old Man Jenkins
Sales Department, Orex Industries
[INSERT SIGNATURE]
Büro des Marinenachrichtendiensts
Büro des Marinenachrichtendiensts BDM Procurement Deparment, Frankfurt System
ADDRESSED TO:
To Orex Industries Retail Offices,
REQUISITIONS
While the contract appears to be mostly non-objectionable, there are several provisions that constitute some serious and actionable war crimes - specifically the use of existential and glitter munitions is expressly forbidden by the supplmentary rules of semi-uncivilized warfare.
By policy, we are also prohibited from the possession, transaction, collection, exploitation, and enteric administration of unicorn bodily fluids of any nature.
We'll have to run the contract by our legal team to see what else may require revision but at present, it seems more than likely they might recommend explosive defenestration for all involved to limit our liability.
Kpt Christof Träger Büro des Marinenachrichtendienstes
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Cosmic Accord of Earhart