..:: Incoming Transmission ::..
To: The Most Honorable Scrappers
From: The League
Re: Chart Data
Hullo, sirs! I represent the Evil League of Evil.
I believe my henchman has already spoken to one of your Congressmen in space about the debacle at hand, but to clarify for third parties, I'll give you the rundown.
Due to a change in the Sirius Chart of Acceptable Equipment Requisition and Usage, the League's shuttles have been cut from stem to stern by a rather unsuccessful project which hoped to... Well, nevermind that, in short, they're no longer fully usable and the Chart protocols require us to ask you, my most metallic friends, for a favor and new materials.
What the League would ask is this: Usage of the Combat Service Freighter for all space-faring henchmen of the Caravan. We were running with, and would like to keep running with, a Pirate ID (though to the public, what we have the idiots do is hardly piracy) and Freelancer IFF. The former of which conflicts with the aforementioned chart.
Otherwise we have them outfitted with civilian equipment fetched by our artificial intelligence Gary. *sigh* Don't ask. He was the result of a ehm... Failed Y800 program intent on crashing the neural net. Anyways...
Ah! Before Gary starts running off the important information, we would, in return, exempt all Junkers from the 'piracy' that the henchmen employ.
To summarize!
Request: Use of a Combat Service Freighter (CSF) for all present and future members
Running: Pirate ID, Freelancer IFF
Return: Tax exemption of Junkers from henchmen supply harvests
Current people in need:
Johnny the Jester
Frederick the Fool
Andy the Acrobat
Jeffrey the Jokester
Squishy the Squire
Peter the Pantomime (Maybe. Afflicted with sickness, may or may not be seen in space)
And with your blessing, any new henchmen which might be indoctrinated
Greetings again. I am the one who spoke briefly to one of your henchmen in space. Furthermore as promised I have forwarded your request to our leaders. You should have a response within the next 24 hours. We are very partial to our equipment and therefore examine every request thoroughly. We are not familiar with your organization so a little more information would be good to have. Thank you for your cooperation and patience in this matter.
As requested, we've come to clarify what the League is all about.
In short, the henchmen pirate for jokes. Or puns. They'll even accept quips or anecdotes. The very motive behind such actions, however, is classified at the highest levels of the League. Have no worries, sirs, our henchmen will be little but an inconvenience to their victims (pending any tantrums from those we bleed of jokes), so you have little to worry about in regards to us slandering the good name of your ships.
In addition, it is with the freighters that we maintain our monopoly on the Sector-wide literacy exchange, but that's another matter entirely.
If you require further information, pamphlets are available free of charge on the Caravan.
****Incoming Transmission****
****Com ID: Arbiter Jack Crow****
****Location: Rochester****
I'm not quite sure how to respond to this one. You pirate for jokes. Is that a joke too? Something tells me there is a bit more to this story.
Here's where we stand at the moment. I don't like our ships being used by people who are openly involved in any kind of illegal activity......even pirating for jokes. Furthermore, I'm not inclined so approve requests just for the sake of doing it. I like to know what we will be getting out of this deal. The offer you made kind of comes across as a threat. You may not have meant it that way, but I don't like being told I should do something for no other reason than we'll get pirated if we don't. My captains are a bit smarter than that. We've also paid a great deal of money to a much larger organization than yours to see that something like that won't happen.
So, is there anything else you'd like to say to me?
You're a shrewd businessman, Mister Crow, shrewd indeed, so I'll tell you what we can do.
We didn't mean it as a threat. In fact, to threaten you wouldnt yield much of anything, since to follow through on the execution of said threat we would need your blessing; which would go against the offer. But we won't get bogged down in miscommunications and I hope youll accept my sincere apologies on behalf of the League for any which may have been conveyed.
Anywho, piracy is really a rather crude label given by the Sirian public, and we, why, we are benefactors! Patrons of humanity, if you will, and it all depends on the drive of the joke. Observe, if you please, the following examples, all well documented based on true events, sir:
Our member, one Andy the Acrobat, walks into a bar on the planet of New London and sees the most gorgeous creature ever to walk the earth. Well, the figurative Earth. Of course the real Earth is... Well... The Doctor hasn't found Sol in the sky yet. I digress. In the end, he chokes on his tongue. With the power of the jokes we procured from space, he had the courage and the material to speak to the girl of his dreams.
They are now living happily aboard the Caravan with a small bakery aboard.
A puppeteer once approached the Caravan to apply for a job. Shortly after his arrival, a failed experiment by the Doctor rendered a quill pen and three fortune cookies to materialize in various places inside of the man's body. His puppets were wracked with grief, and had begun to spawn cancerous growths all over their bodies. Working under the assumption that laughter was the best medicine, the Doctor has developed a method of treatment called joke therapy.
Months later, the puppets are now in the final stages of grieving and the growths have been in remission for the last sixty days.
But as I said, we are both businessmen, so unless your humanitarian fancies outweigh your most logical desire for physical return, I will continue.
*awkward pause, in the background*
Sir, this is a one-way transmission.
Quiet fool!
*ahem* As I was saying, the League is prepared to offer you:
A 25% stake in the literacy exchange, resulting in the transfer of one in every four jokes received to your organization.
An organization-wide subscription to the League newsletter and Quip Catalogue.
In addition to the 2.680.750 credit sale and construction charge of the freighters, the League will surrender 5.000.000 credits to the Congress (for each freighter used) on the grounds that the League retains permission to outfit the vessel with plush furniture and fuzzy dice in the color of our choosing.
Two dozen clones of a national leader of your choosing trained only to say, We love you, as a reminder of the Leagues thanks. This is an experimental technology, however, and the Doctor is working on perfecting their genetic code to keep the molecular bonds of their eyebrows and skeletal structure intact.
We don't relinquish our monopoly on the exchange lightly, so I hope you can appreciate the gravity of our offer. This is, of course, up for negotiation, so do please state any objections.
****Incoming Transmission****
****Com ID: Arbiter Jack Crow****
****Location: Rochester****
I'm still not quite sure about your sanity, but if your money is good, we can work out a deal. See my men at Rochester to purchase your vehicles and get them outfitted properly (fuzzy dice included). I'd like an account of the CSF's being operated by your men. You can make the payment for each ship to .:j:.Bank. Please let me know if there is any more business we can conduct.
Now then, if you could sign on This Line and send the paperwork to the men in suits, we can continue our friendship and the League can be authorized to fly your lovely ships. For their information, League pilots currently in need of validation are:
Peter.the.Pantomime is still ill, but payment will be sent should he recover from his lost bet regarding the wearing of size double-zero leather pants and an unfortunate incident thereafter involving a bath tub and shrinkage. Please wish him a hasty recovery.
I believe this *points to list* is what you meant by needing an account of the henchmen currently in need of space skivvies?
Bringing our total to twenty-five million (five pilots at five per dice):
We'll order more plush as we need it, and will inform you when we do so you can resubmit the paperwork to the suits. Keep an eye peeled for the Zoots, however, they're ruthless.
Contact us if you need something or if you'd like a sample from Andy's bakery.
*crackle*
Ah yes! And don't worry about the Junkers. We'll give jokes to you and only give. Your literacy is safe from us, despite what some might see as a loophole in the negotiations. The exemption still stands, unless they care to donate.