The.Old.One

[iron6266]

Read the feed back took the advice i could from it Modifyed both my story and my In-game RP and didn't have any help doing it , i just wanted to show you i could actually RP without help:).

Oh and one more thing in case you think Jack flys only a dred .... he doesn't he flys a bomber and a gunboat too just to avoide any confusion they are all the same character.

Anyways post your thaughts and comments here for the history of my character The.Old.One

[Ash]

A solid background. But to make it flow a bit more here's a few pointers.

There's one or two spelling errors, just run trhough it with a fine tooth comb and it's problem solved.

Try looking up some more sirius history you can blend into your characters story. It makes it alot easier to read and relate.

This guy has had some pretty hardcore things happen to him. If that's part of his life and his story then thats fine. But what you've got is a serious of life changing things happining to this dude in a matter of a few sentences, makes for quite a jagged storyline. One minute he's killing 900 odd slaves on crete and the next he's having his arm amputated for a bionic one. Just try and smooth it out, make it flow. Where did he confronted by the corsairs when he joined the outcasts? What else happened during that battle?

Outcasts are notoriously ruthless, they wouldn't let some random slave from crete into a saber with the flip of a coin. These days they'd have half a mind to throw him back into outcast slavoury. Try and explain what happened, there's a huge chunk missing on how he made it into the outcasts ranks.

Your on your way. Just needs a polishing.

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[iron6266]

A solid background. But to make it flow a bit more here's a few pointers.

There's one or two spelling errors, just run trhough it with a fine tooth comb and it's problem solved.

Try looking up some more sirius history you can blend into your characters story. It makes it alot easier to read and relate.

This guy has had some pretty hardcore things happen to him. If that's part of his life and his story then thats fine. But what you've got is a serious of life changing things happining to this dude in a matter of a few sentences, makes for quite a jagged storyline. One minute he's killing 900 odd slaves on crete and the next he's having his arm amputated for a bionic one. Just try and smooth it out, make it flow. Where did he confronted by the corsairs when he joined the outcasts? What else happened during that battle?

Outcasts are notoriously ruthless, they wouldn't let some random slave from crete into a saber with the flip of a coin. These days they'd have half a mind to throw him back into outcast slavoury. Try and explain what happened, there's a huge chunk missing on how he made it into the outcasts ranks.

Your on your way. Just needs a polishing.

Ok Thanks For the Feedback will read through it (Correct spelling) and make it longer