Feedback for Yuki Arakaki

[Charo]

Can be found here. I doubt many people will read it, but for those who manage to see it, how about telling me how I'm doing?

This way, I can do better on my next one :smile2:


For those who can't figure out the colors:
Narrations
Yuki's father talking
Dr at the beginning talking
Yuki's mother talking
Yuki talking
Suzuki talking
Blood Dragons talking
AI's/loudspeakers talking

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[[Cerberus] Illusive Man]

I like it. :)

[Bobthemanofsteel]

I'd read it... But, lots of colours, and it's not in proper story form.

I got a glance of 'H-Hai.' so I'll assume one of your characters is a moe Kusari.

[Charo]

I'd read it... But, lots of colours, and it's not in proper story form.

I got a glance of 'H-Hai.' so I'll assume one of your characters is a moe Kusari.

No, not moe. The person who she was with her entire life was just shot infront of her.

And what would be proper story form? I was gonna switch it up to journal entry type things in the next posts, but maybe story for will work better.

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[Charo]

Alright, I redid the first two parts of it using a different format that suits it better. Also changed around a few things

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[Guest]

You should continue this. It's decent. Less colours would be good. :P

[Charo]

You should continue this. It's decent. Less colours would be good. :P

Ye, I'll try and get around to writing a few more posts this weekend.

And I only use one base color, then the other ones to tell who's talking;)

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[oZoneRanger]

I applaud your effort mate, but the colors are to much for me. Very distracting, doesn't let me concentrate on the story line. I spent my time trying to figure out if the colors actually fell into some kinda patters, like thoughts of characters in red, or actions in blue and so forth. If there is some method to the color madness, maybe a ledger or guide to help us along in understanding it. If as you say, you are using colors to indicate who is talking, then I would say it would flow better for a reader with a rewrite and no colors. oh..and hey, not disrespecting the content at all, just the format is a bit much for me.

Cheers.
oZoneRanger