' Wrote:1. colour. use it for emphasis, not as a canvass. this is bloody hard to read.
2. wall of text. use a lot more.
3. punctuation, capitalisation, etc
4. when were the darkest days of new tokyo
5. why was there a dutchman in new tokyo? how did he come to work for kusari?
6. what was the radical change he witnessed in the nomads? how did this strange behaviour manifest?
7. how did he locate the station? was he still following this odd-ball nomad?
8. how could he tell they were organic pillars? we talking about an asteroid with 'love-sausages' sticking out of it?
9. how did he discover the legend? surely the legend would have already been known to him, as medieval alchemists were looking for it on earth. did he dock with the station? what interaction did he have in the new system? most nommies just pewpew me. why was he different? apart from seeing love sausages everywhere i mean.:)
10. who funds his lab on NT?
11. acknowledged is spelt with a 'C'. and you meant informed here anyway
12. wait, what? the dong asteroid was abandoned? (one 'B') how did he discover the philospher's <strike>bone </strike>stone then? was there a library? how did he translate it? how did he communicate with a dead species? was he an expert linguist, able to fluently read ancient greek and egyptian?
13. what leading kusari research dept? you mean the one in the mine field? if so, why not just join that faction?
14. why has van hohenheim sought (good word) to acquire (with a 'C') any kind of nommie artifact? what drives this? what has it cost him financially/emotionally etc.
15. is it immortality he is after? is he expected to share this with the emperor?
16. sacrificing a human life? why is that necessary? and only the once? does that person need to be healthy, or will a disease ridden cancer magnet suffice?
17. if his activities are deemed (another good word) illegal, why has the emperor already given him a 'high' budget? is this deal with the emperor not signed? if so, how did he get the cash (cos i'm in research, and i'd LOVE to know that trick)
18. why a bretonian soul? why not one of his hapless, lazy research students?
@ apollonix-killer
1. why do you think this is good, apart from the fact that your mate has written this?
I don't know, I just tried to translate the thing to the others. (sun)
' Wrote:You see that post where the dude took your idea and fit it into the Freelancer universe? You should do something like that. You don't need to be as detailed as Coin would like you to be, that kinda ruins the aura of a faction. That wall-o-text would indeed be a great base for you to work from.
deadric, he didnt 'fit' it into the freelancer universe. it was terrible - there were so many gaps in the story behind it all, that it just comes across as lolwuttery. its not detail that ruins the aura of a faction, it's nebulous objectives.
' Wrote:I don't know, I just tried to translate the thing to the others. (sun)