as always I understand your mixed up emotions upon my message, upon the situation and towards me.
Nor can I really be upset with you for swearing and unleashing your anger about this, about Sader, maybe even about me.
Aside from this, I have forecefully broken up the assignment for an emergency, taken all the holidays I have gathered since joining the Navy, and applied for them, as soon as I read your message. Unfortunately, since Liberty is at war, no holidays longer than two weeks can be granted at once, so it leaves the other holidays for other times.
However, about priorities...
I joined the Navy with the idea I could do much more to help Liberty. To help making this a safer place, where I can live, where my girlfriend and future wife, my future family can live in peace and safety. A place cleanse from terrorists, a place in peace with other nations, by force or diplomacy. As Freelancer I could only be hired to aid in helping Liberty, when authorities were around. It feels good to help, it feels important and just.
The bad side about this includes struggling with persistent foolish smugglers who think they can outsmart the law and never stop trying. The evergrowing numbers of criminals. The rising threat at Magellan that, for some reason seems to be quite an almost impossible task to deal with. The hours of boring patrol and boring paperwork. I didn't join the Navy to gain appreciation and hugs though. I joined to help changing things.
Nowadays I am struggling every day, wondering when I will find the time to actually spend time with you, fully aware that I can never make it up to you, for your patience and love you still give and have for me, eventhough I constantly get myself into trouble and stay anywhere but not close to you most of the times. It feels like I am losing hope and a part of myself into the negative sides of a soldier's life, that grow bigger, especially now that it affects my personal life so much more since I now have a girlfriend and a baby, which will soon turn into my real own family. At the same time I feel like losing you, for the very same reason, and seen on your point of view, with justifiably. Making me wonder, if risking my life every day is worth the chance I receive to probably change something that seems unchangeable. Honestly, I am torn apart into pieces for wanting to be with you, but feeling the damned sense of duty.
About Sader...he apologized. Which is nice but actually isn't really making up for the shit he had done to us so far, but atleast he fully pressured on me taking the emergency leave.
Hell, I even told him I was considering resigning from the Liberty Navy, what of course made him try to convince me with argruments. Yet...no..things will not change any time soom as I am bound to a contract in service for Liberty, as long as the war with Gallia consists and all I can go for is the holidays I receive and leaves.. father's leaves, emergency leaves....
If I had only known that I'd find the love of my life anytime soon, I wouldn't have prolonged my contract... but back then I was destroyed and needed something to hold on...and the Navy was the only thing that gave me purpose.
Anyways, I am rightout shattered and terrified about the the last part of your previous message! There hasn't been a time I ever felt a cold chill along with serious concern like I had back then when my parents were murdered so far, until yesterday.
The doctor doesn't know exactly you say? I thought the medical technology was advanced enough to actually be able to show a clear state....however, I'm feeling sick just thinking about the possible bad outcome and I am feeling guilty for not being there to protect you and our baby...I really hope both of you are going to be well. Meeting you in my appartment, actually you are my top priority right now...