Some things not intended as snickering but to make the next one even better:
Try to cut your HUD out since it draws attention away from what you want to show. Capture the middle part of hte screen without hte HUD and the red text. That will make the ships in hte middle of hte screen which you are looking at better to recognize too.
Slow down hte video a bit in barely reognizable slow motion to savour some moments more.
Leave the viewer a bit more time to catch the scene you are trying to get across to tell the story.
Try to avoid text and stuff on the screen that attracts attention away from what the viewer is about suposed to look at.
Tell Cannon to program something that shuts off the red useless messages and targeting boxes while oyu want it to stay away.
Capture mor RP stuff (the models themselves instead of text and target boxes) and less oorp stuff (red text and text that doesnt 'tell hte story')
Will make it as intense for the strangeer viewing it fir hte first time as for you who already know what part of hte screen to look at in this scene.