Checklist to tell if it's a real LPI or an imposter!
1) Are they mounting guns that can actually damage a target?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
2) Are they in a situation where they might actually -use- their guns are are not actively seeking to disengage from said fight by ejection/running/begging for their lives?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
3) Are they actively patrolling trade lanes, as opposed to simply getting lost on the way to Sunbucks?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
4) Are they actively engaging in the duty associated with their station and post as opposed to filling the coffers of Sunbucks on perpetual breaks?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
5) Do they report to duty sober, with a clean shave and in a pressed uniform that suggests pride and dignity in their work?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
6) Do they have a distinct lack of awesome, sexyness and overall charm that's won the hearts and minds of Sirius?
-If the answer is yes, you're not fighting the LPI.
Chapter 8:How to properly eat/drink and store your donuts and coffee
“Eh! You der, write dis for meh would ya? I’ll give ya dis donut if you wan it?”
---
Eating a donut is like an art, you can never have to many. All that junk that doctors say that they’ll make you sick is a complete lie! There are many verities of donuts, chocolate, jelly filled, glazed, so many donuts! But how are you suppose to eat one correctly, you have all these problems with the jelly staining your shirt, the chocolate covering your face, and pretty much looking like the everyday donut eating idi… I mean police officer! Ya, that’s what I meant.
So, to properly eat a donut is simple. First, purchase one for your resident donut shop (or just steal the box at Matt’s office), delicately pick it up and take a bite to give just enough taste, but not for it to explode all over your shirt like mine did. Unless you have a box of 12 to yourself and napkins, then you have my full permission to be a fatass and stuff your face.
Coffee of course becomes annoying at times, it’s hot, it smells brilliant, but the second it tips over on to your right sleeve and lap, you’re crying in pain. The trick to perfectly drinking your coffee is to purchase a hands drinking hat with heat proof tubes! Allowing you to drink HANDS FREE! Donut eating couldn’t of become any faster! Make sure to get the special LPI edition cap!
Now, holding a donut and coffee in your Patriot is VERY annoying. You hit eject and are sitting around in your pod, only to find out you left your coffee and donut in your Patriot below you? Well! Go to your local shipdealer and request to have the “The LPI’s fatty seating technology” installed, they will install a heated seat in your Patriot, with more space, and of course, a coffee cup and donut holder ATTACHED to the seat! Ejecting can’t be any better when your donut and coffee cup comes with you!
A piece of noteboook paper is wedged between chapters 8 and 9. On it is hastily scrawled "EMERGENCY CHAPTER 8.5". It reads:
Chapter 8.5
LPI Area of Flyin' 'n' Stuff
Ya gots yerself a ship, mayhap thinkin' to yerself: "Oi, I got me a ship! I c'n fly anywhere!"
WRONG
Ya be a daft foo if ya be thinkin' dat. Just look at da durn foos who just thought da same thing. See 'em? Wanna laugh at 'em, go ahead! What NOT to do is copy 'em. Just cuz ya gots a ship, don't mean ya c'n fly wherever ya wanna go. Let's examine da core areas dat we c'n go:
New York, California, Texas, Colorado, Illinois, 'n' any Sunbucks. Dat's it. If da LN comes by and abducts ya to go search the boarder wi' 'em, listen to 'em, but dat's IT. Ain't no attacks on no "Malta", whatever dat be, in dis department, no sir ee. Consider dis yer warning, next person who does it be fired.
Chapter 9
WLPFOOLPIP - Weight Loss Program For Overly Obese LPI Pilots
In a joint effort between DSE (who makes the cranes to lift the LPI pilots) and Synth Foods (who creates the balanced donut-free diet), as well with Sunbucks sponsoring (who has created new WLPFOOLPIP-friendly menu items) and OSC (who just wanted a piece of the pie), we present to you the most rigorous diet in Sirius, made with the LPI in mind!
Enter LPI Officer Meg Scott, the first person to be voluntarily pushed forward by fellow LPI officers! She underwent a complete metamorphosis, changing from a two-ton mess of blubber to a thin, hot young girl! She dropped almost all the weight and now looks thirty years younger. You can too! Just dial this number!
1-800-WLPFOOLPIP
Don't worry, it's all free*! So call now!
*With purchase of one year or more of WLPFOOLPIP-sponsored food, or other products such as styling gel, toiletries, coffee mugs, pens, T-shirts, bandanas, picture frames, paper, nick-nacks, lamps, tables, couches, fish bowls, etc. etc. Void if product is used.
Chapter 11
What To Do If You're Called Upon To Assist Navy And LSF In Battle
HA HA HA! AHAHAHAHA! Stop, you're killin' me! AHAHA... oh, you're serious.
Well, in the unlikely event of being called upon to *snrk* "assist" the LN and or LSF, here's a simple procedure to follow.
1. Fly directly at the enemy, all guns blazing.
2. Eject.
3. When your ship explodes, the pretty fireball should distract the enemy long enough for the Navy or LSF boys to waste the pirates and tractor in your pod.
ADDENDUM: This technique will only work against Rogues. And then only the chimps they've been drafting lately. But still, ejecting's your best bet. In fact, just pre-emptively eject as soon as a LN or LSF contacts you. Save you the trouble lately.
...Actually, just... consider ejecting before you leave the base.
OK, this here's yer typical LPI flatfoot. Look at his slouch. His beer gut. His six o'clock shadow that screams "I dun give a rat's furry arse about hygiene". The ketchup stain on his uniform.
Err, that's blood Chief...
DID AH ASK YEW?!
No, but...
SHADDUP, I'M RECORDIN' A CHAPTAH! Distinct sound of a slap. Possibly a full-on backhand.
Yus sah...
AH SAID SHADDUP! Another slap. Definitely a backhand.
Now, wur was I? Oh yus. Now, what makes you think this poor specimen of our species is ready to tackle this mess?
A picture of the badlands is shown. Somewhere, an LPI officer screams and faints. Another wets himself.
OR THIS?
A picture of a dark matter cloud in Texas, full of debris, is shown. The Chief screams and faints, but regains consciousness with only a minor concussion.
So, what this mean to ya? DUN GO PLACES YA CAN'T SEE NO BACKUP! Ya get shot at and die! Debris fields, meh. There's this one, called Jersey. You know, the one with a conveniently base-shaped blindspot and all, where Junker and Rogue ships disappear? Yeah, that'n. Not so big a deal, but walk fast 'n hope ye dun gotta do nothin'. Bottom line: stay in visible range of the lanes most of the time! Don't go wur the sun don't shine! Where the sun does shine but ya can't see the lanes, don't dilly-dally!
Mayhap ye be thinkin' "OI! I's got ma a job! MONEY!" Aha haha! HA!
WRONG.
What ya got is a bunch of coupons ta Sunbucks 'n a few packets of ketchup. There are two ways ya get money in the LPI: tickets and bribes. That's right, bribes. Why ya think the do-gooder nancy-pants dun last long? Ya see some fool carrying contraband, you very discretely stop him and ask for some greenbacks to "go blind".
For tickets, just tell them they got a broken tail light and be sure to smash it with the conveniently-placed baseball bat installed in all of our ships just for this purpose.
Also, on this note, if you got fired your severance pay is a pack of gum and your pension involves a can of sardines and a free movie ticket.
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