The view I had was something I didn't miss. I sat there, in the observation room, on the bench, staring at Omicron Sigma's black hole. Any astroscientist would find it fascinating to look at, and half a year ago I would have shared that view. But now, looking at the cosmic monstrosity did nothing else but reminding me of horrible events. Sometimes I wished we could just return there, to the black hole beyond Sirius, trying to sustain ourselves there for a few months. Nobody could bother us there. Nobody would find out that far away from Sirius. But what happened there was horrible. I shouldn't wish for something like that to happen again.
Thinking of these days, it reminded me that it not only was my thirtythird birthday when it happened, but also the day I planned to propose to Maren. After all we've been through, I simply wanted to do it. For her. My hand slid into the inner pocket of my leather jacket, on the left side. Next to the two wrapped condoms I had in there was also the ring. Fishing it out of the pocket with index and middle finger, I just looked at it. And it was this moment when Noel entered the observation deck, probably insecured by the view of me sitting all alone there on the bench, in the darkness of the room that was only illuminated by the stray light of Omicron Sigma, looking at the ring. Nevertheless he made a few steps closer until I turned my head to him. "Hey," I sounded, giving him a soft smile.
It was returned by him, and his right hand moved over to his left arm, holding it. He often did that when standing and being insecure about something. That means often. It was decreasing over time, though. "I, uh, was wondering what you're doing here." Noel said in his lovely young male voice. I know he was 23, but his appearance and his voice always presented him as a teenager who just switched to the adult voice. So clean. Free from any interfering alterations to the vocal cords. I liked his voice. Patting the spot right next to me, I invited him to sit down with me, and he took the invitation, smiling at me. Being close to me was something he wasn't insecure about anymore. So he sat down, scooted close to me with probably just a centimeter of space between us, placed his hands in his lap and looked out of the window. Then at the ring I held in my hand.
"Finest Molly jewelry," I said, twisting and turning the ring around in my hand. "Paid a large sum for this one. And the other one. And the other pair. They are unique. Made by Cian O'Connor, a very cool and very friendly Molly. He made these the traditional way, with all the details and such." It was something I was quite proud of to have, and I couldn't help but smirk at it when I showed it to boy next to me. "We could create incredibly precise crafts like these within minutes on the Apahanta with all the tools and printers we have in the workshop, you know, without any flaws. But here I have this one, handcrafted by a Molly. The rings he made are masterfully crafted. They are not perfect, in a sense of quality, and exactly that makes them perfect."
I looked at him, smirking, and placed the ring in the palm of his suit-covered hand. "We spent a few hours on Arranmore. The Mollys are really not the worst people out there, and hell, they can drink. Those people live inside a giant hollow asteroid. You would think it'd turn them into mad people like the Lane Hackers, but not at all. I guess it's the charme of Bretonia that turns even the revolutionaries into charismatic and jovial folks."
"It's a nice ring," Noel sounded and then looked up to me, handing it over to me again. I took it and looked at it myself again.
"Each time I wanted to propose to Maren, horrible things happened. The last time I wanted to do that, the Cult of Technology attacked Omicron Delta and we jumped over there to support Freeport 11. We got hit, took heavy damage, did an emergency blind jump and ended up very, very far outside from Sirius, for two months until we returned. And Maren thought I was dead, and fucked everything that was getting into range. Four people of two sexes, in only one week." I wished I didn't care about that anymore. But I still did. "I don't believe in karma, fate, religions or any other myths, you know, but even to me it looks like the universe warned me over and over again from being with Maren." I chuckled, while Noel looked out of the window, listening to my words.
"It always was my mantra to not go for a lasting relationship. I never wanted to stick to one woman. I never wanted to start a family. But two point five years ago, Maren stumbled into my life, helping me to escape the Core. And I made the mistake of promising her to be the father of her children. To find a way to make her a mother." I sighed, taking a few seconds to think back of these days in Omicron Lost. When I saw her the first time and took her virginity. "Never in my life I expected her to be the one to trick me like that. Like, I thought I would end up getting trapped by a very beautiful big-boobed long-haired blonde, a model with a bombastic body but not much in her head, you know. Skilled tongue, no pharyngeal reflex, one that rides you to death. Instead, I ended up with Maren. A woman that doesn't last long in bed and looks like a sweaty mess after two minutes already. Slightly chubby, dark-brown hair, puffy cheeks, addicted to Cardamine, stubborn, presumptuous. A cunt, really."
Noel looked at me, giving me a questioning glance. It was definitely not the first time I trashtalked Maren infront of him, and I certainly warned him multiple times about women. And since he didn't know about the incubus in Maren's body, he didn't know what the main reason for me was to stay and endure Maren. And I didn't want to tell him about it, yet. "But you do love her a bit, right?"
"That is the worst part about it. I do," I told him. It was not a lie. Despite hating her and sometimes being disgusted by her and beyond angry about her actions, I did love her. "And I won't leave her, you know. She has changed in the two years I am with her now. A bit less weight, a bit more enduring, a bit better at what she does. She also learned to accept me the way I am, which is a big deal. Not many women can bear to share her man with other women. She is also funny, and despite being a cunt, also caring. She even changed her diet to something more healthy for me, and doesn't eat like a pig anymore. She used to spill half of her breakfast all over the plate. Literally as if she was raised in a barn. Looking at how often she lied to me about her past, that might be the case, even."
"So are you going to marry her?" And that was the question I asked myself almost every day. I couldn't help but chuckle in that very moment. A short tossing out of air with an amused connotation, followed by my head shaking for a short moment.
"One day I'd answer that with yes. The other day I'd say no, Noel." I placed the ring in my palm, holding it infront of my face like this, staring at the inscription. Then I lowered my hand again and looked at the black hole of Omicron Sigma. "What is marriage? Practially, a piece of paper. Less taxes if I was living on some planet in house space. A bond for the rest of the life? Only if another piece of paper doesn't state the opposite. Marriage is an outdated concept, and it doesn't work with a man who is unable to reduce himself to bed only one woman. And the other way around, she just discovered the joy of sex. There wouldn't be any sort of monogamistic loyalty in that marriage." In that moment I was slightly annoyed by myself how I didn't get to the point. But I felt I needed to explain what marriage actually meant.
"Marriage is reaching a status. Women are going nuts to reach that status. Looking at it from a pragmatic perspective, I'd lose nothing from marrying her. She'd be happy to have that status, to wear that ring. I'd obviously ask her to sign a contract, as I won't give away any of my belongings to someone who didn't do anything to earn them. She would understand that. She is not dumb. It is also not as if I was afraid to lose anything. I have so many accounts spread all over Sirius, no lawyer would be able to find them all. I don't fear the law." It was the other way around. I was the one with the battleship, after all.
"Yet, and I don't know how to describe it best, Noel, there is this distinct feeling telling me not to do it. Don't do it, Ezrael! Save yourself! You will only regret it!" I looked at Noel, in his bright blue eyes. "Right now, the feeling is very strong. It was very strong when I returned to Sirius, when Maren confronted me with what she did when I was gone. When she said she built a grave for me on Canaria. That she gave up on me after only less than two months and instantly whored around. And only recently the feeling was very strong again, when I tried to find support after Aphrodite and Kapheira almost killed us all. Instead she forced a child upon me. And a puppy." I stared at the black hole again, feeling slightly angry, now that I mentioned it again.
"So blatant and subtle at the same time. She said she wanted it all the time, so why being surprised or mad about it? She said it was better like that, adopting a child rather than making one ourself. And of course she didn't ask me beforehand, because she knew I wouldn't have allowed it to happen in first place. Not now, with the Lane Hackers and the Order hunting me. Yet she didn't want to wait anymore. So she surprised me with Dinah, and expects me to become her father. Of course she didn't say it like that. She said it would be her daughter. She said she would love it if I would be her father, but knows that it is unlikely for me to aim for that. Nevertheless she will subtly try to have me spend my time with the little girl, having me bond with her. And it almost killed me when Dinah asked me whether I would be her father. I said no. I tried to explain to her, a child of thirteen years that 'being my daughter' would turn her into the perfect leverage for my enemies if they found out about her. So I told her we can be friends, but she shall never call me her father." I made a break. "She was visibly disappointed. She asked me whether she did something wrong. I really, REALLY hate Maren for that. The only pain harder than having your parents being disappointed in you is when a child is disappointed in you."
I held the ring up again in my palm, then balled the hand to a fist hiding the ring inside. "Dinah needs a father. And I hate it when people don't show responsibility when it comes to children. But if people find out about Dinah, she might get targeted by my enemies. Or Maren's enemies. It breaks my heart. But it is better for her, under these circumstances, to grow up with possible damage to her personality and her mind from her horrible past and the unsatisfying future infront of her rather than getting kidnapped, tortured or killed by assassins or agents."
I had a weak moment. I knew it. My eyes became watery at the thought of Dinah. I knew I was in the right. I did nothing wrong. I was being rational. I made the better decision. I tried to make the best out of the fucking shit Maren dragged me into, once again. But still. Noel saw it and leaned in to me, embracing me. It was what I needed in that moment, and he had a good sense for knowing what I need by now. I fought my tears and managed to not let more than two escape, but felt embarrassed nevertheless, even infront of Noel. Just infront of him. I saw him naked multiple times. I cleaned his body when he was incapacitated on the medbay. There was no shame between him and me. But having him see me that emotional was embarrassing. It was sobering, both to myself and to him. I was the man with the battleship. The billionaire. The playboy. To some people even a hero. But I was not invincible. Not at all...
When Noel sat there and hugged me, I pondered whether it was time to tell him the truth about Maren. So far, I tried to keep it away from him. I knew the boy was still having depressive phases about the death of Lorena. And the fact that a nomad was hiding inside his body. But then again, I'm still thankful for Aphrodite not having taken his body to become active. It could have been worse for him...
He was still leaning against me, and I had my arm around him, and we looked out of the window in silence. I really didn't want to tell him about Maren's incubus. So I didn't. Of course it was a dumb decision, given we were literally in Omicron Sigma to meet with Maren. And he was here, able to see the Hoffnungsschimmer with his own eyes. But I simply kept him close and idled with him.
"You know," I said quietly at some point, "We are quite happy here on the Apahanta, aren't we?"
"Yeah," he sounded, his voice muffled as his face was dug into my jacket. I put the ring back into the pocket and looked down at Noel. His hands were stroking me slightly.
"Yeah. It's just, the entire topic with Maren and Dinah had made me wonder about something. It was a realization, you could say. Like, I've been spending quite a large amount of time on the Apahanta recently. I rarely met with Maren. We also only once went to Canaria to visit Nancy and then the day after that the other thing. By the way, we should do that again at some point," I said, knowing he liked the party night on Canaria. "The initial idea was to settle down with Maren, you know. First on Curacao, which then was attacked by the Carcassonne. So that's not possible right now. Until the war is over, that is. And now we're aiming for Baden Baden. Maren is already there and said she found a nice house for us. For all of us. Talking about the house on Baden Baden, I realized that settling down with Maren is impossible for me. While I'm sure we could hide the Apahanta in Stuttgart without a problem, I can't just be on the planet the entire time. My crew needs me. These people are my family, too. And I can't let Sherry take command over and over again for days."
Noel let go of me for now, looking up at me with his crystal clear blue eyes. His first move was to correct his hair as it was falling into his face from the hug. "Let them all live here on the ship with you, then?" the boy asked me. I still had my arm around his back when I shook my head and looked out the window for the moment.
"That'd have worked before Dinah. We really have enough space for a few dozens of people here, really. I mean, Makos usually house fourhundred to sixhundred people. We have twentyfive and a shitton of robots that can be stacked in a few rooms. Nevertheless, Dinah shouldn't live on a warship. She should grow up on a planet, go to school, learn to socialize and things. I also told Maren to send her to a therapist once per week, just, you know, to prevent PTSD and what not. She went through much and I don't want her to end up as a wreck when she hits legal age. I want her to be happy." I sighed, inhaled and exhaled audibly while brushing through Noel's hair gently. "It takes a village, they say, and it's true. Here on the Apahanta, she'd just grow up with a few people without home or family. While Baden Baden is not the best place to raise a child, it is at least protected. She'll also learn that stupid garbage language gobbledegoo." Only after saying that I remembered that I was talking to Noel, who was from Hamburg and he was frequently slipping back into rheinlandian tongue, especially when talking to the other rheinlandian crew members.
He looked up at me, smirking, knowing exactly that I forgot who he was. "Better than kusarian, don't you think?"
I shook my head, smiling about that. I knew Noel was not in the slightest patriotic when it was about Rheinland, and he certainly didn't share many traits of the common Rheinlander. I guess his parents had a reason for leaving Hamburg. His luck, actually, as the Rheinwehr probably would have forced him to fight against Kusari now if he was still there. That thought made me wonder how many young innocent Rheinlanders were actually forced to fight for Sigma-21 just because the idiots leading the Rheinwehr said so. A reminder of how disappointing the Rheinwehr was. No brain, just brute force. "No. I want Maren and Dinah to live on a planet. The less time Maren spends in space, the less damage she can cause. I on the other hand bonded my life with this ship, I guess."
"If it's some bit of comfort, Ez, I'll stay with you, no matter where you go." Once more I looked down to him and met his surprisingly confident glance. He was the third person to say this, and it surprised me. Not even Leon said something like that ever to me, and we're best friends! No. Only Sombra and Sherry said this to me. Sombra because she loved me. Sherry because she was admiring me as if I was a hero. But what was it that made Noel say that, I wondered? He realized I was speechless in that moment, and he took my hand. He looked down at it. His hand was significantly smaller than mine, and even with the Apahanta suit's glove over his skin, his fingers looked skinny. His body in general was thin, but ever since he joined my crew, he did gain some weight, and more importantly, some muscles. "You are my family."
It was such a nice thing of him to say. Usually it was me to say it. But I guess, after all the losses of the months before, it was just something I needed to hear. This time I was more successful at keeping the pee out of my eyes, but it was a touching moment, I felt. "Thank you, Noel," I said, "Really." And I pulled him closer, having him almost sitting on my lap. Maren never said such nice things. The only good thing that leaves her mouth is either myself or a weird 'I love you'. It simply never felt like she was meaning it. Especially after she had said it to Jessica Snow as well.
While keeping Noel close to me, what probably looked slightly gay at this point, as he halfway sat on my thigh, I spotted something in the distance. Through the window. In the distance, maybe ten kilometers away. And it was getting bigger. I remembered why we were in Omicron Sigma in first place, and while Noel's head was at my chest and my chin on his head, I had to react. "Apahanta, please switch to blue alert, now! Only the bridge may access the sensors and the cameras now."
Noel took his head back at looked up to me in confusion. "What is happening?" he asked with insecurity in his voice, his arms under my jacket.
"She is here." That was all I needed to say. "I'll be back soon, Noel. Don't worry."
Despite Noel having said he would go wherever I go, I told him to stay on the Apahanta for now, like everyone else. This was a thing I had to do, not them. Walking down the hallways of my ship, Sherry joined me, giving me her typical emotional-flatlined look before walking by my side to escort me to the hangar. "It is a Corvo-class explorer. Your old ship. Any chance you tell me why it has nomadic tendrils at the back?" she asked me, almost being inquisitive, yet back then she already knew about Maren being infected. She knew many things. Probably even now more than I believe her to know.
"It is no longer my ship, evidentally," I merely responded as we entered the hangar, aiming for the Attractive Rover. The Hussar was hovering ready for me behind the Gitano drone. "I can tell you the full story later. Or you read it up in my logs again."
"I didn't touch your logs," she said in defense, but I knew she was surveiling my room, including the times of me recording the logs. Way to circumvent my security countermeasures, but then again, I entrusted her with the command of a warship. In the end, neither of us had secrets infront of each other, and the talk was more some sort of bickering. So, I smirked at her for her response, then glanced over to the tiny bretonian ship in the hangar. Being allied with Bretonia had a certain advantage to it, really.
"I want you to cloak as soon as the Hoffnungsschimmer disappears. We'll probably head to Omicron Lost, so you will move there as well. Maintain your distance from us, and just observe. If the Nomads of Omicron Lost attack the Hoffnungsschimmer, we will need you to show up and save us, if it is possible to you without risking the Apahanta. If they are too strong, don't bother. Take the ship and continue with our mission. You know what to do in case of me dying." My voice was more tense than I wanted it to sound in that moment, but Sherry knew this was a serious situation, and she knew fully what she was to do if something should go wrong. No more risks, just survival.
"Take care of yourself, Captain." That was all she said in return as we stood infront of the Hussar, the ladder to the cockpit extending. For a moment, there was a smile on her face, and that was all the invitation I needed to place a kiss on her lips. I knew she didn't like it when I did that in public, but the crew knew about Sherry and me spending some time every now and then when she needed the comfort. Or, well, when I needed it. Letting go of her, I made a step back and climbed up the ladder, while she remained there, watching me disappearing in the Rover. Then she moved off, since standing in the hangar was a bad idea when a ship was about to leave.
The Hussar launched from the Apahanta and I headed for the, in the light of Omicron Sigma actually not that bad looking monstrosity that was my old home ship, the Hoffnungsschimmer. Maren was waiting for me.
I moored with the ship and climbed through the connector up to the lower deck of the Corvo. The section was still the way it should be, and recalling what Maren claimed, only the back of the ship was infected with nomadic crystals. Taking the lift, I switched to the main deck, only to get greeted by the moonfaced woman that was my girlfriend.
She knew he was moving towards her. The lift started moving after she had noticed that he had come to a halt on a deck below. So Maren did what every sensible person would do when they had the ability to wallhack outside of a game: She positioned herself in front of the lift's doors with her face close to it, expecting his face to come to a halt slightly above her wide smile. When the doors of the lift opened, she was surprised that he didn't seem startled. Had she become this transparent that he had foreseen her move?!
"Boo!" she said anticlimactically now that he had already seen her and not been startled. Afterwards, she put her arms around him and gave him a girly squeeze. "I missed yooooou~" Given that he knew her well enough, she was quite sure that he realized that she was probably trying to seem chipper even though she actually was quite worried about what they were supposed to do. She let go of him. "I made a few preparations. We have a time window of six hours before Dinah will need to go to school, and I made the robots carry out any stuff that we don't really need for this here. The ship is a bit more empty, but well." She didn't rightly know where to put her hands, and so she just put them in her pockets. She was dressed quite casually for a space ship, but other than the Apahanta, this was not a warship, and there was no formal chain of command. Given whom they were supposed to visit later, Maren also figured that they wouldn't rightly care about their outfits.
Living with Maren is like living with a black cat. You really need to be prepared for her to jump out of the next corner every single minute. While I didn't really expect her to greet me like this, I didn't feel surprised enough to show it. Instead, I allowed her to hug me in her overacted girlish way. To be perfectly honest, even while knowing this isn't how she usually was, it was one of the better ways of welcoming me. At least she didn't have another child with her to surprise me.
"I missed you, too. Maybe we can do something after this. A relaxed day, just you and me, and Dinah," I offered her. While Orbital's infrastructure on Baden Baden wasn't comparable to Curacao's, it did offer enough for us to have a good time as a family, hopefully. When she put her hands into her pockets, I couldn't help but feel awkward. Such a sobering move after what she just did. But that's Maren for you, really. Not romantic at all. I left the lift with her, took one of her hands back out of her pocket and held it. "Maren, we should cloak before we do anything else. And then head for Omicron Lost. Does the ship still take my commands or how does it work now?" I asked her. It was a valid question, given that the back of the ship was infected, and who knows what else the Wild did with the ship at the Kaarst Drydock.
She let him pull her hand out of her pocket. It wasn't like she was consciously trying to be unromantic or anything, but she found it difficult to really read situations and react in a manner that'd fit. "The ship takes verbal commands," she confirmed. "Computer, engage the cloaking device and move us to grid G7 and traverse the jump hole." A familiar sound was heard from the ship before the interior lighting changed while the cloaking systems shut down anything that'd consume excess electricity to lower their scanner profile. A slight tremor went through the ship as the eldritch mechanisms of the vessel drew power to the engines to engage cruise.
"Come," she offered him, taking a step forward as she wanted to go to the bridge with him, as it was probably the place they should be during the entire journey. "You know, with two people we can actually adequately fly this thing without relying too much on the autopilot," she said, laughing a little awkwardly. "Uhm, want to see the house we found on Baden Baden afterwards?" It was clear she was jumping from topic to topic from trepidation.
Walking through the nicely decorated hallways used to be a nice activity to me. But I couldn't help but wonder whether there were nomad crystals hidden behind the wall panels. The ship felt alien to me. As if a tornado demolished the house your family used to live in. Everything looked alright in this section of the ship, and there were quite a bunch of my things still here. Even some of my clothes, but then again, I probably had my clothes spread out all over Sirius.
Maren was obviously nervous. It was something I learned to detect. Whenever she was nervous, mostly when I was in a position to find out about horrible things she did, she tried to be the cutest person of the universe. Smiling, laughing, smirking. Hugging. Nevertheless she was willingly a part of the machine that aimed for the elimination of mankind. Sometimes I looked back at my old journal entries, remembering how I first thought the human side was the right one. Then I thought the Nomads were merely defending themselves. Truth was, they were both balls deep into this war and none of them was playing with the thought of finding a solution that didn't involve the complete annihilation of the other. My luck was to not live in a time where either side was powerful enough to achieve it. I sometimes played with the thought of askin Maren whether she knew that nothing she was doing was going to change anything anytime soon. I played with the thought of asking her to let go of her work for the Wild. I knew she was still doing the dirty work. And I knew it would be my doom at some point.
"That sounds like a plan. Does Dinah enjoy her time in the hotel? I know for sure I'd have loved to spend time in hotels, with all the fine stuff around me and other people cleaning my rooms every day." Matter of factly, I enjoyed it for the entirety of my lifetime. As a child, later as a teenager, and when I got the Corvo as a home ship, or party ship, I even back then had already robots that cleaned everything. And later I ended up with a fuckton of robots on the Apahanta, on my Hot Gear facility ships and on any other of my assets. Kishiro literally made millions with my purchases.
If there had been more time, Maren would have also had the robots remove the excess personal items from the ship, but they hardly mattered one way or the other. Walking the hallways, there didn't appear to be any changed made to the ship, and given that they were headed for the front rather than the engine section, they wouldn't see any changes going forward as well. "Well, Dinah is used to sharing a room, I guess," she replied half-jokingly, although she really hoped that they could move out of there soon so Dinah could get her own room. "She did visit a friend already, too, which is nice. They can't really come to us right now, so I guess this is really the only thing Dinah can do right now, so..." she trailed off as they approached the bridge and the door opened as soon as they got close.
Through the front window, they could see the Corvo approaching a jump hole and entering the jump tunnel soon afterwards, resulting in further slight tremors going through the ship. "We'll arrive there in fifteen," Maren informed him after approaching the consoles on the bridge. Exiting the jump tunnel, the ship set another course and charged its cruise engines again.
I aimed for the command chair, out of reflex. It was weird to enter the bridge of my old ship without being in control of it. Maren looked pretty convenient when she stood there at the consoles. Man, I recalled having boned her on these things, even. And not only her. For a moment, I was caught in these thoughts until she pulled me back to reality.
"What does K'Hara know about the Vagrants? What is the big deal with them? Why are they different?" There were plenty of questions I had about them, and I had hopes that Maren was actually sort of prepared for this mission. I mean, she was the infected one, and one would assume she had some access to the Mindshare to get information on them. But all she hinted so far was that she was nervous about them. Which, of course, I was, too. I still remember the horrible voices and pictures the Vagrant in Sigma-13 used to disable us. What I was wondering, though, was whether K'Hara and Vagrants were hostile to each other. As that would open an entirely new perspective for mankind in this war.
I set the ship on a course to Omicron Delta and enabled the auto pilot. "They're outsiders," she responded, not really sure how to voice it. There were a lot of things unclear but they all boiled down to a simple truth. "They are not dangerous so we leave them be." Dangerous to the other Nomads, rather, she thought to herself. "Omicron Lost is so far out there, it doesn't matter either way." Slowly, the ship approached the large asteroid shipyard in the cloud surrounding the burnt-out husk of Toledo. "You expected more, didn't you?" Chances were, he expected me to respond sort of like a magic eight ball in this situation. I couldn't.
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