- Why so silent, good monsieur? Did you think it's all just over for good?
- Isn't it all?
- Well, you're still breathing, aren't you?
- Maybe'¦ But not for long.
- Just let me do it my way. I'll get you on your feet again.
- Don't you have no heart?
- Why should I, when it does nothing but hurting me, hurting you?
- You still do have a heart, like it or not.
- Do I? Not really'¦ I'm the brains, you're just the heart, that's why you always fail so hard.
- 'Best person and the worst person''¦
- Well, who's the one to blame here? It was all just balanced, flying our Roc around the place, just being annoying and having fun an' all'¦ Then, you went for a Katana you didn't really need, and even that wasn't enough for you'¦ You wanted Natterturns on it, you wanted all the attention in space, all the fear, all the hate. Where is the balance in that? How can it stay balanced with you wanting more and more?
- '¦
- Admit it. It was nothing about her, just you feeding your own hunger, my hunger for being better than the rest, and me making us better and better!
- You're nothing'¦ Nothing!
- I'm the one who brought you here, helped you do all you did, but I'm not the one to blame here, it was you pulling my strings all along.
- Whatever'¦
- What are you waiting for? Go ahead.
- Shut up, I'm just taking my time.
- Are you afraid? Are you unsure?
- No, I've already made up my mind, just shut up.
- If you're unsure, maybe you should consider the other option.
- What option? Giving myself up to you?
- Yes, that's one option. Letting us do it my way, at least I'm not weak like you. At least I won't give up, at least I'll finish what we started'¦ At least I'll fix what you ruined.
- Then it's time'¦ Because 'your way' is the last thing I'd give in to.
- Then do it'¦ do it now. Just '
- It hurts, not because I just did what I had to do a long time ago, but only because it just feels like you're the one pulling my strings now.
- Welcome to my world then. Get a taste of how I've been feeling our whole life.
- At least the minutes are numbered now. You won't get a chance for long, Now go on'¦ Finish it.
- I gave up'¦
- Not because I failed'¦
- Just because I never finished anything I ever started'¦
- And this is me'¦
- In the last seconds of my incompetent life'¦
- Being honest with myself'¦
- For the first time'¦
- Being myself, being one, for the first time ever...
- Being in control of everything for the first time'¦
- But this is not how I wanted it to end'¦
- And I hope it's not how it's gonna end'¦
Something is not right, something is not how it should be. Something is still like being alive. I
haven't died before, but I know one thing ' Death is not how it feels now. Death is a totally
different feeling compared to how it feels to be alive. Death wouldn't feel like being on a soft
bed, seeing the light beyond your eyelids, but being unable to open your eyes'¦ Still being
numb, still feeling the wound on your wrist.
Death is nothing but the only thing you don't expect it to be. You're already dead, you just don't
feel it yet. -You- are dead, but not me. I survived, it was the plan from the very beginning. The
reason behind the fade smirk on your lips when you said I don't have much time left
to pull your strings.
You forgot to lock the door, didn't you? You didn't even notice, cause that's what you have always
been, an idiot, a fool who messes everything up and is too weak to even do the most basic things
properly. You were just in too much hurry on your way 'out' that you just did the exact thing I
wanted you to do. Now it's my turn to show you how to live a proper life. How to actually be
better than others ' How to be strong. How to be a winner.
You are nothing. You have no power and never had. You might've died, but I survived. You can't
force me around, I'm still the same person, the same person who didn't give in to your ways even
though he had more than enough reasons and motivations to.
You're already dead, you gave up. You just stepped aside and left me here to fix the mess you
made ' Just like always. Just look at the life I made for myself, a life that many can't even dream
of. A life that many would even kill for. But what makes you better than me? What makes you any
more right? What makes you live a life better than I did? I at least didn't give up. I at least didn't
make mistakes, didn't give in to my feelings. Because I know my life is more important than the
life of others. Because I know I'm better, I want more and more, while you didn't even use what
you already had. Because I'd kill to get what I want, not the coward you who killed himself when
he didn't get the worthless crap he wanted.
He heard a female voice say. There was only one question in his mind ' 'Why?' Just when he
had thought everything was oer, just when he had thought he was no more than a few steps
away from the end, he had to wake up and find himself in the same world he thought he had
left behind. His mind was empty of any thought, emptier than ever. An emptiness which made
him unsure if he really was still alive, an emptiness he was afraid of, yet enjoyed at the same
time. An emptiness which helped him pick his next step easier because now he
actually could concentrate.
He wasn't the same person anymore, which was why he knew everything will change. He knew
if he was offered a chance to live another life how would he live it. He knew now that he had
control he knew he would fight for what he wanted instead of giving up, or even fight for the
sake of fighting if he wanted nothing but the fight.
He didn't regret anything he had done anymore, because he knew if it wasn't for all those, he
wouldn't have been where he was today. If it wasn't for all the things he had done, he would've
still been a no-body, not someone whom every target would remember his name. They
remembered his name not for who he really was, but for what they thought of him to be,
and now he knew the key was using that for his advantage even if he learned it the hard way.
He was not just another freelancer crawling from system to system. He was there for a reason,
and he knew the reason was the cause of the fear which grew in hearts of his targets as soon
as him closing in even though they actually never saw him coming.
He heard a female voice say. Struggling to open his eyes, he found himself in the same room
he was in a few months ago when his Katana was heavily damaged from a fight and he was
forced to fly it all the way back to Ryuku with flames nearly coming into the cockpit.
Trying to gather all his strength, he used all he had left in him to push himself up and grab
the woman standing right next to him by the throat, using the very little left of him to shout
'Why?', but as the woman screamed and took a step backward, he couldn't help but to
collapse on the bed, taking a deep breath and staring at the woman's shocked face, but
he couldn't keep his eyes open.
Opening his eyes again, he was alone in the room. He knew the numbness he felt only meant
veins were filled with drug just to keep him calm after the mess he had made. They sure didn't
want him to try and rip someone else's neck off even though they knew he couldn't even if he
really wanted to.
Staring at the ceiling, he started to think something was not right. He could feel something not
in place, but couldn't put his finger on it. Trying to look down at his body, he realized he can't
move his head. He couldn't believe they had actually strapped him to the bed. He wasn't a
psycho to be treated like that.
Struggling to get up and yet failing, he heard a man talking to him, but he couldn't turn his head
enough to see him even though he recognized the voice.
- It's for your own good.
- I'd rather choose my own good.
- And was that what you called your own good? Cutting your wrist wide open for every drop of blood to easily run out of your body?
- That's a hundred percent my own damn business.
- I'm afraid not. You're an important individual for the Blood Dragons. We couldn't just let you.. die, like that.
- Yeah I know doc'¦ You need me, that's why you keep me alive'¦ And yet, you're afraid of me at the same time. Ironic, isn't it?
- '¦
- You've strapped me like a psycho only for your own good, not mine.
- What do you think your own good is then? Cutting your other wrist too to make sure you'll die for sure this time?
- Not really. I won't repeat the same mistake he made, but I'd rather rest in my own room.
- 'He'?
- You wouldn't understand doc, so I won't waste my breath explaining. That's of course apart from the fact that I don't need to explain anything to you anyways.
- You will be able to go back to your room in two days either way, but I'm afraid it's not suitable for your current condition to fly a spaceship for a while.
Sitting on his bed, he stared at the words his own blood had formed on hi wall. Gently running
his fingers on the bandage around his wrist, he got up, walking to his desk and grabbing the last
pack of cigarettes he had left. He always kept a few spare packs in his room but this time he
didn't know he'd be needing more.
It was a couple of days since he had last smoked, but he didn't know how many days exactly. It
was a couple of days since he had last smoked because they didn't let him smoke in the medical
wing and he didn't know, neither cared about how long had he been there. All he cared
about was planning his next step carefully. All he cared about was making
sure everything works out his way.
Looking at the clock then throwing a glance at the bed, he pulled his chair to face the wall he
had written his note on, 'I've spent enough time in a bed already.' whispering to himself as he
reclined on the chair slowly and stared at the wall in front of him, wide awake with his brain
empty of thoughts and as he closed his eyes, the same scenery started to form on the white
nothingness of his imagination again.
Rocky cliffs in the distant horizon, a blue sky with white clouds here and there, green grass under
his feet, a tree not far away and cold breeze running through his hair. But then, he started to picture
himself in this imaginary world of his for the first time ' Standing right there in a long black overcoat
with his black flight suit visible underneath, staring at the tree as the clouds started turning darker
and covering the whole sky, snow covering the ground within seconds and the now-orange leafs
falling off the tree, leaving it bare and black against the white snowy scenery with the freelancer
standing a few feet away, still staring at the tree with his hands in the pockets of his overcoat.
A fade smirk appearing on his face, he takes his pack of cigarettes out of his
pocket, 'Now I like it much better'¦' telling himself after lighting another smoke,
still staring at the tree as if he wants to savior its every lifeless detail.
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