A masterpiece of his life, masterpiece of destroying himself, ruining everything he had worked so
hard to earn, and making himself look like a tool of the hands of others, just to gain their trust to
twist everything his own way just to use them back in the end, just to make them feel regret of
giving him everything they have given him, everything he had ever wanted from them.
He wanted to give them a taste of what he was feeling, to give them false hopes so in the end they
realize all they have done was for nothing. All was nothing but a pointless game to be played just to
lose in the end, just to realize their incompetence in the end.
There he was, sitting at his computer and reading the details of his last assignment over and over
and remembering his reply, assuring them that it'd be done quick and clean, even though from the
very beginning he knew he wouldn't even try to get it done, just to show them how helpless they
are without him.
Asking him to do something they themselves weren't brave enough to do on their own, how could it
make him look like anything more than the Chrysanthemum's lapdog in the end? Asking him to get
rid of the leader of Kiretsu wasn't because of their stupidity or even incompetence, it was only so
someone else would take the blame for it if something went wrong in the process and he knew that
well enough, which was why he had accepted their offer in the first place, just to turn
them down in the end.
But what if he was wrong? What if this was yet another mistake from him? He did not care, because
even if it was, it would've had been his last mistake ever if everything went on as planned. But what
if it didn't? What if something went wrong again and nothing went on like how he hoped, just like every
other time? But was he planning anything in the first place? It always just seemed like he was deciding
on the spot and doing it right away. Then why did he expect things to go on 'according to the plan' while
there never was a plan at all?
He could still think, that meant there still was chance for something to go totally wrong, which made him
start to think had he locked the door behind him? Did anyone but him have the keys to his room? Would
anyone even notice his absence for the past couple of weeks?
Staring at the wall as his blood that formed letters of his note were drying on its paint, his mind drifted
far away, to a past not long ago which now seemed lifetimes away, merged with dreams of a future he
never got to live, he never got to feel.
His thoughts were getting more and more unfocused as he was losing more and more blood. But that
didn't make him feel any less regret even about some of the best things he had done. His thoughts
were getting more and more unfocused, telling him he's getting closer and closer to the end, yet one
thing he could feel as strong as ever was the feeling of regret he had about his every move, and now
even about his decision to put an end to it all.
He wanted to be free, not a slave to the hands of others, not a tool others would use for their own
gain. He wanted to be free, but freedom never came easy, never came without losing something
one valued, something one treasured, and it never came without a fight.
He had spent two months planning this, and now that the time had finally come, he didn't want to
ruin his one chance with pointless hesitation. He was ready to give everything for it, to fight for it
if that was what it took. His ship was ready and no one could recognize him if he managed to
maintain distance, and the Council most probably would've thought he's a regular civilian,
a curios one, trying to find out what the world outside looks like.
Kicking the engines into life, he took a deep breath and launched from Nevers and headed out to
open space, where he knew of an active jumphole to Languedoc far off the Royal patrol routes
within the system. After all, going through the Royal blockade set on the regular route through
lanes and at the gate was one thing he didn't want to get into.
After the jump was complete, he started cruise engines, thinking 'I'm just a regular civilian trying
to pick my nose out of my little home to see what's outside the fence.' Like anyone could read his
mind and he'd blow his cover if he actually thought about who he really was.
He wanted to be free, not a slave to the hands of others, not a tool others use for their own gain.
He wanted to be free, but how did freedom matter if one had already lost everything? How would
freedom matter if one himself took his freedom away by ruining his peace and turning his life into
a never-ending battle?
He had spent two months hesitating over this, and now that he actually had a reason to do the only
thing in his mind for past two months, hesitation was the one thing he felt when he thought about
actually doing it.
His knife was ready, sharper than ever and ready to slit a wrist wide open with the slightest of push.
His mind was set, his only decision left. He knew what he wanted to do, he knew how, he didn't know
why, but felt the reason burning deep inside him, yet he didn't know when. That was the only thing
which made him hesitate, the only thing which made him unsure, made him pause and stand still
instead of taking the last step, and he didn't want hesitation cover his last step, which was why he
waited, he weighted his last step. Because he wanted to be sure, because he wanted to be strong
when taking that last step.
All he did was to look back, review his memories, thinking about all the bad things that had happened
to him and simply ignoring the better ones. He didn't look forward because there was nothing for him
to look forward to, it was just imagination and dreams. It was just a collection of wishes he had
gathered for himself, a collection that was a part of him ' A part which he wanted to let go of.
- What you gonna do now?
- Meh'¦ Whatever that happens.
- Don't you feel bad, like at all, for that trader?
- No, why should I? It was fun!
- So? That cargo cost him a fortune.
- His own damn fault for taking a jumphole with me sitting on the other side!
- Not fault, call it back luck, or bad timing, being in the wrong place at the wrong time'¦ But it wasn't a 'fault'.
- Do I look like I care?
- You should. What about their pods? No one would find them this deep in the nowhere.
- Now, -that- is the captain's fault'¦ This one you can't argue with I'm sure.
- How so?
- First, for taking a jumphole I was '
- On the other side, yeah. Cut that crap, give me an actual answer.
- Second, for trying to run when he knew it wouldn't save them'¦
- Oh, so that's what '
- Shut up already, I'm talkin..! Third, for failing to be funny. I just asked for a nice joke!
- So that's what you call reasonable?
- God, you're annoying as hell. I don't even know why I'm letting you stay in my head'¦ Last but not least, for loading up such a cargo but not paying a million or two to some cheap merc to escort his ass.
- So, what will happen to them now?
- They'll either run out of bad luck and someone will find them ' Not like anyone would come looking for such a pack of lowlifes ', or they'll run out of oxygen and then you can be sure they won't get unlucky again!
- And you don't feel bad about it at all?
- Honestly, the only thing I feel bad about right now is talking to myself, so shut up already.
- God, you're annoying as hell!
Reclining on his chair, he stared at the screen, his mind empty of any thought. He was just waiting,
basically for nothing. He was just waiting for a false hope, hope of hearing from her again, even
though he knew he's not going to hear from her again and even if he did, it wouldn't be anything
that would make him feel better.
Swinging the bottle of wine in his hand numbly, he got up and walked to his bed, drinking the last
swing before dropping the bottle on the floor and collapsing on his bed, his eyes wide open, staring
at the ceiling but his mind far away, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.
His mind drifting between present and the past, reality and dream, thinking about things he couldn't
remember if were real or just a dream he had repeated to himself long enough to become a part of
his reality. He wasn't sure anymore if this was all real, actual coincidents.
Day after day, paranoia of all this being a set-up against him, a trap just to ruin him, a trap which he
had willingly fallen into, was growing in him stronger than before.
Even though he knew the thoughts of this all being a set-up looked retardedly stupid, he couldn't help
it. Who was he back then? Who was he for someone wanting him ruined so bad to set up such a trap
for him? Now, maybe, but back then? He was just a wanderer with no real life. He was just a scum'¦
Not like he changed much since. But now, he had made himself visible to too many people, angered
so many of those that someone actually might have wanted him gone. Not like it mattered to him
anymore, not like he was afraid of death anyways.
'You know'¦ You can be the best and worst person I've ever known'¦ Only thing I don't
like about you is'¦ Your 'worst' part is what's running you most of the time'¦ Makes you
look not as good as you can actually be.'
The thought made him smile a painful smile'¦ Why would he remember something like that now?
Right a few drops of blood away from death? What would make him remember what his first actual
girlfriend told him?
Now that he thought about it, she wasn't totally wrong, except for the fact that his 'worst' side never
ran him. It was him willingly giving in to that side of his, deciding to be 'bad', choosing to be 'worse',
enjoying to be the 'worst'.
Now that he thought about it, she wasn't totally wrong, even though she never actually got to know
him, he never really cared for her. He never really considered her his. He was just playing her, like
the toy she was asking to be, like the toy she was ' To be played with and then thrown away once
he got bored of it, and that was what happened, his first actual step in turning his 'annoying' self
into an 'evil' one.
It was his first step, first of many. The many steps that had turned him into something much worse
than anything either of them could even imagine to call 'worst'. One of many steps that had turned
him into something less than human, who seduced himself with growing the 'worst' face inside him
and ruining the 'best' he had inside, bit by bit'¦ And now, there he was, letting the beast inside kill
the last bits of the beauty he once had.
- Who are you anyways? What do you have that makes you any different from anyone else?
- I have a Katana with Natterturns. Something that many 'gaijins' like me can't even dream of.
- And it makes you any different, any better, how?
- I can kill, I can enjoy it, it can calm me down'¦
- You just pretend you enjoy it, we both know you don't, and even then'¦ It might make you different from most, but not any better if not any worse.
- I'm not afraid of not being 'good', because I can kill. That makes me better than many, and definitely better than anyone I kill.
- And this'¦ Is why you're alone.
- I'm not alone. There are many who respect me for who I am.
- They don't respect you for who you are, they only keep you around because they need you'¦ Just wait till they don't need you anymore and you'll see how they'll throw you away just like the useless piece of crap you are.
- No, they keep me around because they respect me, because they know I'm better than them.
- You're only fooling yourself and you know it. You're only trying to think like that because you don't want to admit how lonely you are.
- No'¦ -You- don't want to accept it because you like to be lonely. You like to be weak, to be vulnerable.
- And am I wrong? Aren't you lonely, weak, vulnerable? Where is the one you changed your whole life for? What she ever done for you?
- Does it matter? I've made myself a life many can't even dream of. I have things that many would even kill for'¦ Literally.
- And what exactly -is- this you've made for yourself?
- Loneliness'¦
- Why are you even putting all your life on something you're not sure you'd get?
- I'm sure'¦ I know she'll notice me one day, I know I'll get to have her some time.
- And how can you be so sure?
- I can feel it'¦
- And since when are you someone who acts based on his feeling?
- Since I met her'¦
- And the carved-in-stone you changed just like that? Nonsense.
- We all have to grow up some day!
- And this is your definition of growing up? Ruining your whole life because of a crush on random girl?
- It's not a crush, and I'm not ruining my life'¦
- You are, and you know it. You'll regret it one day, that's for sure.
- You regret it even now, that's why you're trying to convince me to think your way. You're just jealous that I managed to leave my past behind but not you.
- Why should I be jealous? I'm just looking and thinking logically while you're just hanging yourself by the neck from these 'feelings'.
- Everything will slowly get better and you know it.
- Or everything will suddenly get ruined'¦
- Won't happen. -I- won't let it happen.
- Then why are you afraid if it will never happen?
- Why do you keep annoying me? What do you get off all this?
- I'm not being annoying, I'm just being realistic.
- No, you're being annoying and that's about that.
- I'm just pointing out the simple facts which obviously you're missing even though it's right in front of your eyes'¦ But the only difference is I see and accept them but you try and ignore. That's why you can't argue and instead you just try name-calling like a kid, just like you always do.
- Whatever'¦
- What are you gonna do now?
- '¦
- Was this your 'everything's gonna be ok'?
- '¦
- Was this your 'I won't let it happen'? What did you do to stop it? What -could- you do to stop it?
- '¦
- You were fooling yourself. It wasn't ok from the very beginning. You knew it, you knew it but you didn't admit and still won't, because you're not strong enough to accept you were wrong.
- '¦
- Yeah, go on'¦ Just stay silent. Just keep drinking and smoking as you try to think about something else, anything but the one thing you should think of.
- '¦
- And what do you get from running?
- '¦
- Yeah, thought so.
- And what do you get from talking to yourself, ruining yourself?
- Ruining? Nothing. Anything that comes up to ruining if you actually wake up and realize the crap you're stuck in'¦ Well, I guess I can call that 'everything'.
- I'm already awake, I already see'¦ I just need time to pull myself back up'¦ And I most definitely don't need someone else shoving it in my face.
- 'Someone else'? And there you are totally not ruining yourself.
- Don't you have no heart?
- Do you? Killing all those people and then talking about being heartless?
- You know'¦ Maybe you're right, which means I'm right, which means you should just shut the hell up and stop arguing'¦ Just let me be and get the hell out of my freakin head'¦
- '¦
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