Evangeline Anastasia McDowell

[Bazza]

Entry#: 102
Date: 21 - 06 - 818 AS @ 09:51 SUT
Title: Untitled.

What am I doing with my life?

Here we are sitting at Freeport 2 in Bering. Doing absolutely nothing except thinking about things... and wasting supplies. The money I thought I would save for everyone's retirement has become, for all intents and purposes, the line of credit keeping us alive. We haven't made any money in so long, my normal account has been zeroed and I'm now forced to use my savings to buy supplies. How can I tell the girls I'm doing that? I feel sick every time I sign away our money... effectively lying to everyone each time I put my signature to a cheque.

I realised, even if I wanted to... I can never go back to the way things are now. Simply because of this little one growing inside of me. I don't know how Gunther feels any more... but I can only imagine... if I was in his position... he'd utterly despise me right down to the very core. Even if he didn't ask to become a father... I'm sure his paternal instincts are overriding whatever feelings he has or had for me...

I made a terrible mistake, leaving the way I did. I don't want to never see Gunther again... but every time we interact I just hurt him, whether I mean to or not. I just don't know what I need to do to make things right...

The pain of dealing with all this, plus the nightmares from Omega-7... It's going to be a long time before I can smile again. I'm just hurting everyone around me as I am now. Gunther... Drum... Misaka - all of the girls... even Jones... right through to random strangers I meet in space... everyone's worrying about my well being and I'm just making their lives harder because of my own ignorant stupidity...

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