Evangeline Anastasia McDowell

[Bazza]

Entry#: 117
Date: 12 - 09 - 818 AS @ 17:40 SUT
Title: Untitled.

Well, here I am at Kreuzberg Depot. Now that I think about it I haven't been here for quite a while. Not that I miss most of it - it's not exactly a family friendly place. But the important thing is the food you can buy here. No doubt it's all stolen but I've never really been one to mind such trivial points. The important thing is it's real, actual food. Not Synth Paste and not freeze-dried.

On to... more important issues. I _think_ I just agreed to marry Gunther. I didn't outright say yes, but more something along the lines of giving him my hand and seeing where he'd take me. I don't know if Gunther meant what he said metaphorically or in a more literal sense... I'll have to ask him when I can muster the courage to do so. When I wash up at Mecklenburg again, I suppose.

Yeah, ran away again. I freaked out when I realised what I'd said and disappeared from beside the Ammersee at the helm of the Alsatia. Misaka and Sakura objected, I didn't listen. I can't handle stuff like that. I used a short period of radio silence to excuse myself and fly off. It didn't take long for me to regret doing that.

Gunther raised an interesting point earlier. Just what are the two of us? I used to call us just friends. But the **** we've gone through together makes us more than that. And how often do "friends" bear children together? We're more than friends, I know that much - but what beyond that exactly, I really have no clue. Are we lovers perhaps? Gunther wants us to be man and wife, I still don't know if I can sustain that...

This is one of those moments I regret what I did that night six months ago. It's not Gunther's fault; nor the child's, nor Misaka or any of my crew. It's a cross I need to bear for the rest of my life now. Right beside all the other crosses, I guess.

What happened to my life in the last year or so that broke everything? I find myself trying to pinpoint where things started going wrong. I just want... to go back to the way things used to be. Me and Misaka, together in each others' arms, flying through space in the Alsatia with a bay full of stolen goods. But that can't ever happen now. Not unless something changes...

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