Entry#: 130
Date: 14 - 01 - 819 AS @ 19:55 SUT
Title: Untitled.
I don't know where he is.
I don't know what he's doing.
I don't know if he's alive or dead.
I don't know if he wants to see me.
I don't know if he even thinks of me at all.
I'm sitting here.... thinking... why?
Why do I waste so much effort on worrying about him? It is now blindingly apparent he has no interest in joining me. The last time we met... I tried to offer him a place by my side. I could never play the role of a homemaker or housewife... so I tried to convert him to my way of living. To join me, our daughter and the extended family that encompass my existance.
His lack of presence since speaks louder than any words ever could.
Thinking about it now, I find glaring, almost ironic comparisions to how Sanya - as I had originally intended her name to be - is going to grow up to how I did; daughter of a single mother, raised communally on board a ship in space. Never to know what it feels like to settle down in a home like everyone else does.
This.... this whole ordeal has changed everyone around me. Misaka... she has been putting on her best brave face for months now, but I can see she is going through a lot of grief with me as the catalyst. All I can offer is a hug and a safe place to sleep... and that won't be enough to keep the lid on much longer.
Something needs to alter the status quo, and quickly. If nothing changes, Misaka will implode... I'll lose my dearest friend and partner. I had been pondering this inside my head for a very long time... but... a decision has never been born of it.
I have heard and seen Misaka alone in hidden corners of the ship... sometimes contemplating, others crying to herself. It... tore my heart in two seeing her like that and I'll be damned if I'm going to permit myself to cause so much harm to a beautiful, innocent girl like her - who has never, ever done anything to deserve the load placed on her.
I'm going to stop worrying myself and everyone around me sick with my own personal problems. I am the leader of this ship and I need to retake control of it from the emotions which have run amok for too long.
I am no longer going to chase Gunther around. I will no longer search in vain for a man who simply does not want to be found. This is a desicion made in solid mind and with absolute conviction. I will stop being the weak, pathetic girl I have been for months and return to the woman I used to be. Not hell nor high water will stop me.