Evangeline Anastasia McDowell

[Bazza]

Entry#: 152
Date: 11 - 06 - 819 AS @ 09:27 SUT
Title: Untitled.

Ever since the day I met Gunther I had fought tooth and claw to obtain and keep his attention. Right from the beginning he had a hard time focusing on me alone and giving me the love and care I wanted from him. Not, of course, that he could be held to blame for the way he was. Nevertheless, I tried to force the relationship to exist long past its' expiry date and as a result pushed Gunther beyond the point of no return. We became unable to coexist together even in a platonic manner and we stopped communicating with each other.

Mason is different, though. Even after everything that Catherine has done to him - the lying, cheating, backstabbing, blaming, emotional black mail and all of the little secrets she kept - he still loves her and still wanted to be by her side. That is even before considering his position and the responsibilities he carries as a naval fighter pilot. Everything Catherine told me about Mason - everything I had assembled of his personality on my own - was false. I learnt that in a very short space of time after meeting him.

He possesses loyalty far beyond anyone I know. Confessing love for a woman like Catherine in front of me as a witness after the unending hell she subjected him to tells me everything I thought I knew about Mason - everything Catherine has told me - is completely wrong.

And... that Catherine still saw fit to trample this man's integrity under her feet, despite him putting his heart and emotions at her mercy, released a monster within me I did not know existed. She... she should have at least listened to what he had to say. Watching her tear him down before me, despite carrying his child, broke my heart. I had spent so much time believing she was a victim in the affair, that she had been taken advantage of by the heartless fiend she had painted Mason as.

But it was the other way around. Catherine played Mason's emotions to her own advantage. This man... was in love with her. He came to rescue her from the clasp of a terrorist without a second thought. He was prepared to throw away his life to be by her side. He was prepared for his life to end if it meant saving her and their child. She... threw all of that away with blatant disregard.

Then... something in my mind just snapped. My mind boiled over, I lost control of my thoughts and everything became a seething, blurred mess.

I shot a pregnant woman.

Regardless of what kind of person Catherine is... it's not something she deserved. It's not something the child deserved either.

I've done a lot of bad things in my life but this is one of the few that I truly regret. I potentially ended two lives - one of whom might never have even seen the light of day before being snuffed out by my hand.

I... I cannot even comprehend what motivated me to do such a thing. I do not remember what happened, nor do I want to at this stage.

I don't know what happened after I pulled the trigger. I ran away.

I haven't told anyone what I did. Not friends, not family. This is... something I need to bear myself.

If a god exists in this universe, he'll keep Catherine and her baby alive. It's about the only thing I can put my faith in right now - because I can't put it in myself.

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