Entry#: 153
Date: 18 - 06 - 819 AS @ 18:31 SUT
Title: Untitled.
Well.
Here I am listening to some utterly disgusting music wondering both how I managed to **** up my life and how I managed to avoid completely ****ing up my life in this past week.
After ditching In Silico and all the girls at Alsatia I... uhh... ran away from home.
With the Maelstrom.
I had no intention of returning. The fact I seriously considered ending my life is something I need to confess and confront head on, so it gets written down here and burnt into memory. I'm not proud of it, I can say that. In a moment of weakness I nearly threw everything away.
The thing that stopped me doing something I wouldn't be able to undo was an otherwise total stranger going by the name of Vincent Pryor. Just why someone like him went to such extremes to save someone like me I doubt I'll ever know. Especially after the last words I said to him today.
I kind-of-but-not-quite knew the name before, but I'd never given it or him any thought beyond shooting at him... I think.
No wait, it was his girlfriend. I shot at his girlfriend... don't remember her name though.
We crashed into each other somewhere in New York, I think it was inside the Jersey Debris Field near Rochester, as I was floating about looking for a way out of it all.
I don't know how he managed to pull it off but he made me feel as if my life was actually worth saving - that even someone who has done the things I've done has value in this universe. He managed to avert me from potentially killing another Congressman I randomly stumbled onto in cold blood and also convinced me that maybe, just maybe, flying into New York's sun in a blaze of anti-glory isn't the way to go.
He destroyed the false exterior that I'd worked so hard to erect and started throwing verbal punches right at the real Evangeline McDowell. I, of course, had nothing to do but to listen to him. The fact he was putting real effort into what he was saying and doing demanded my attention.
Vincent argued me into averting my flight plan and returning home to Kansas. This was, of course, after a long and drawn out battle of words between him and the "pretend" me that I put up to protect the stupid little girl I really am.
I try to convince people I'm a hardass. A cold-blooded killer who doesn't care about anyone, to protect my real self underneath it all. The real me who regrets most of what she's done in her life and wishes to undo everything so badly it turns her stomach inside out.
Even a worthless failure like me still feels regret. But don't try telling any of the people I've hurt that I still have emotions. They'll have other things to say and I am bloody well certain their words would weigh more than mine.
We had a long, drawn-out conversation on the way home between New York and Kansas. How an Outcast Tridente is able to fly around unmolested is beyond me, but Pryor pulls it off without a hitch. I guess if you're good enough to make me feel like something besides a worthless sack of **** you're also good enough to get permission to fly a cardie boat around Liberty.
For two days. Two days - he flew beside me. Through the heartland of Liberty. Alongside a wanted and high-profile terrorist in a bloody destroyer of all things.
This man has more integrity than anyone I've known my whole life. When he said he'd help me he damn well meant it. I guess it follows with the general flow of things that I screwed all of that up, but that's a story for later.
He escorted me all the way home to Alsatia. Literally to the front door. I couldn't just leave him out there in the cold after doing what he did so I invited him inside. I introduced him to the girls, after getting the snot beaten out of me by Misaka for running away. That's not something I'll be able to forget.
After all that I've done to this kid, she still has the will to stand by me. Words cannot describe how awful I felt at the moment she chased me down, but it was a different kind of feeling to the rest. Because unlike the others, I can actually do something about it. I can fix this - by giving her the love she deserves and being the best partner that I can possibly be.
And Pryor helped me see that.
I just wish I hadn't said what I said when he was leaving. It wasn't me he was talking to. It was the pretend me. I felt sick after realising what I'd done. But just like nearly everything else, I can't undo it, can I?