Lee's Diary - Pilot of The Narcotic

[Narcotic]

Date: 14 July 820
System: Sigma-17
Location: Atka Research Station, waiting room.
Topic: "Any last words?"

Sitting, waiting, wishing. I've listened to a relaxing song while I was sitting in the waiting room for the final deliverance. I've already said goodbye to Melosa since she - and myself - couldn't have endured the nervousness and pain of possibly never seeing each other again.

The waiting room was completely empty. An untouched cup of tea was annoyingly waiting for its consumer to be drunk. I didn't even noticed when the nurse did bring it. I was just starring at the sensitively white wall in front of me, while listening to Jack Johnson's words; "But Lord knows that this world is cruel. And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool..."

Suddenly my IPPCD rang, telling me that I received a transmission. That must be Shodan I hope. She already took her long enough to inform me about The Narcotic's progress. And I guessed right. A short summary of the current progress was attached together with visual informations.

Hasn't got any tidier, but larger.

The private rooms - mostly offices, bedrooms and dining rooms - were tried to be kept the same. While their numbers did of course increase - considering that a larger ship also needs a larger crew - the private rooms did also got enlarged a bit and did now provide a more comfortable and homelike feeling, totally to my liking. In future, I've planned to have the ship be able to travel longer times without having to find a docking place, so this was a required change.

Simplicity. The multifunction libary.

Longer journeys do also demand options for entertainment. Such as reading. While the new libary will serve as public place - it'll also be used by the researchers who do seek variety - away from the bright monitors in the research labs. Besides the libary there'll also exist a few fitness centers with swimming pools, an old-school cinema, restaurants, bars and clubs aswell as a small shopping mall.

Laboratory and medical station rolled into one.

The original medical deck will get its own upgrade in form of a new lab together with hypersleep chambers and other expensive equipment. This measure will not just allow the Narcotic to reach Sirius' borders, but also to stay there for a while. Infections and other health issues are often the first reason for a exploration mission to end abruptly.

Reaching stasis with hypersleep chambers.

Passing time without alteration, whether by biological or physical means, was a human's dream for a long time. One day, interstellar traveling was made possible thanks to the cryogenic sleep. And this feature is nothing one want to miss anymore.

The larger the ship, the longer you walk.

Shodan has invented an interesting route planning system for crew members to always take the shortest route without getting lost somewhere. She also did construct the layouts of the decks and their rooms that perfect as none human being could have done. There's a logic behind every staircase, corridor and even blind alley.

The interrogation room - no comfortable seats here.

The interrogation room would be a 'blind alley' for prisoners and hostages who refuse to share the truth with us. Actually, I haven't asked for such room - but it seems like Shodan cosidered it as mandatory for a ship of Narcotic's size. Who knows - maybe it'll indeed find a good use someday... for someone.

The lower the deck, the tighter the corridors.

A heavier ship needs a larger engine. It'd make sense in atmospheric places, but also for interplanetary flights. Indeed, the Narcotic will be able to land on planets - no matter the size. If this feature is going to be find a use - is yet not to decide. Fact is, that it needs heavy cruise- and thrustengines. Its seven large engines will do their job pretty well. Compared to the ship's size - it'll remain as fast as a gunboat. Probably.

Enough room for her dresses and shoes?

The cargo bay will be massive. There'll be enough space to store a few hundred tons of commodities, fuel, food rations, water and other consumer goods. Enough for the whole crew to survive months in open space for sure. Near the cargo bay is also the adapted cloaking device found. Unfortunately, Shodan didn't seemed to have managed fixing it. I wonder why she kept it anyways. She didn't built it in as fixed part of the Narcotic, but let it remain a portable device, so in case of emergency it could be displaced to a safer place, in order to have it unharmed. She must have her reasons for that I guess. I'd call it a waste of space, considering that I'm carrying this non functional device with me for ages already.

The docking bay. Ships inside a ship.

Just in front of the cargo bay is the docking bay located. It'll likely won't maintain more than two snubcraft vessels at once, but it'll serve its purpose well. This place will also be used as temporary storage bay and tractored items will find their way here first for investigation and restoring. Besides, the docking bay will always have the Narcotic #2 docked - its very small counterpart in form of a Series Z "Sabre".

Which way?

All in all, I was pleased with Shodan's work on the Narcotic's major update. In some cases I didn't quite understood the massive measures she implented. As example the heavy weaponry and the high priority for the hull plating and defensive systems, such as the portable cloaking device and docking module. However, these are things one can't disagree with. It just came as suprise. No displeasing change though.

Displeasing it'll get soon enough. The bell just rang. My sign to enter the operating room. Just in the moment I laid my - of nervousness-shaking-hand - on the white doorknob, the nurse did open it full of verve and asked with a halting smile: "Do you wish to say any last words?"

[Narcotic]

Date: 21 July 820
System: Omicron Dream
Location: Comatose imagination
Topic: "The four-sided dice"

Each side its own consciousness.

"Alea iacta est." The familiar voice whispered from far away. As it gets closer, I recognized my parent's voice saying in their maltese accent "La suerte está echada." Suddenly the voice's source appeared to be right next to my ears. "The die has been cast." The voice repeats louder and louder, until I couldn't endure the noise anymore and screamed. I tried to scream, but there was no tone coming out of my mouth. A sharp pain went through my head as I touched the spot where my mouth was supposed to be. My finger went straight through my head. And those fingers were no fingers. Darkness.

I woke up drenched in sweat and began to cry. I didn't knew why, but I cried as bitterly like a child who just got informed about his parent's death. When I opened my tear-stained eyes, I noticed that the crying was justified. I was lying in my old nursery's bed. It was the day after my 15th birthday. The most sorrowful day in my life. "Whatever will happen, we will be with you." a man in the room's dark corner said. "She's dead! It's your fault!" I screamed, not being able to control myself. "She's still with you, and always will be, son." He replied in his known peaceful voice. "None is." I whispered resignedly. "Dad. You followed her soon after I left you." I whispered with tearful voice. "I know, son. I know. Just remember where your place is. Remember who you are. Don't forget what your role is. We didn't die for nothing." Upon his last words, the person in the corner just faded away. Abruptly, the pain in my head grew stronger again, and I passed out.

I shaked my head of pain as I almost ran into a large asteroid. The Sabre made an unhealthy sound as I stopped its engines from 200 to 0 in a second. The target behind me did not notice my immediate stop and flew straight into the hungry asteroid in front of me. I turned around before his ship hit the surface. He was dead for sure. So am I, if I would not remember my daily Cardamine dose. I introduce the drug into my helmet's oxygen system and inhaled a deep breath. "I disgust this weakness." I said to myself. "I swear to my parents, that one day I'll be as free as I always wished to be." No matter the costs. And if it shall be my last decision I make." With those words, I piloted "The Narcotic" out of the Barrier Rim, entering a wormhole which surrounded me with total blackness, followed by a shooting pain in my head.

"Why did you abuse my trust? How can you even?" I asked the female voice coming from the Narcotic's bridge loudspeaker. "The d-d-difference between me and you is... that my a-a-ambition is not reasonable." the computer-generated voice answered, whereupon all the doors in the control room closed, together with the navigation, communication and weapon systems shutting down, being a prisoner of my own creation. The artificial intelligence then said, as if she could have read my mind: "No, you c-c-could not have known it, insect." Then the spring gun near the large monitor went online, shooting its first projectile directly into my head, which now exploded of massive pain.

The pain in my head turned into a comfortable feeling. I suddenly felt so happy as I've never been before. I didn't even cared about those blue entities next to my ship. They felt like family. My mind got flooded by positive pictures, sounds and smells. The euphoria and energy which Cardamine normally triggered, was absolutely nothing compared to this. All of a sudden I felt the urge to engage the freelancer's vessel right next to me. On a try to fight this urge, an indescribable strong headache hit me to the ground. I was that busy of having to endure the ache, that I didn't notice how the Freelancer started shooting upon the Narcotic instead. Finally, caused by my ship's destruction, the agony inside my head increased that heavily, more than words can describe.

The darkness from the beginning turned into a blinding light. I tried to close my eyelids in order to avoid the headache they caused. But I didn't had any. I kept floating in this bright light, without any sense of time, totally will-less and this nice feeling of indifference. I even managed to ignore the constant headache with the thought of "how can something hurt that does not exist?" and "how is one supposed to decide what his thoughts are, if one's consciousness is uncontrollably divided into different parts?"

I couldn't get rid of this node in my brain. Until I noticed that I wouldn't have to care about it, since nothing was real anymore. "What if woke up from a dream, knowing that I'm still in another dream I have to wake up from? Where is reality then?" It is pure chance to return to the real consciousness. However, one will not remember the true one.

[Narcotic]

Date: 21 July 820
System: Omicron Dream
Location: Caught up in a dream
Topic: "I didn't know I was lost."

Wake me up.

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where it starts
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don't have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I didn't know I was lost

[Narcotic]

Date: 12 July 821
System: Omicron Zeta
Location: Office Room
Topic: Old friend

So I'm sitting here... again. I remember, when I last had you holding in my young hands. My dear diary. For a year, I've forgotten that you exist. For a year, I've forgotten who I was - who I am. Now I know. It all came back to me. As if my brain just started to work as it should again. For now, I can control it.

The moment I found you - the moment I picked you up, blew off the dust, realized what you are, the moment I touched your old familiar surface - a hot stream of memories returned to my estranged brain. Pictures, feelings - memories that none could take from me. I kept a diary, and now it keeps me.

There's a huge gap in my life. Pages that I wasn't capable of filling. Words I could not pronounce and sentences I failed to grasp their meaning. My mind was playing tricks with me. My body failed on it. It made me forget my true face. It eventually drove me insane. I can't explain what exactly happened.

What will become of me? I do not know where am I going or what tomorrow will bring. All I know is, that I must keep remembering, keep writing. Only you and I are witnesses of my many memories. Written words can't be gone. My mind can. I know it'll happen again. I just need to learn controlling it better.

You - my only true friend, my dear dairy - will tell me how.

[Narcotic]

Date: 18 July 821
System: Omicron Delta
Location: Office Room
Topic: Back to the roots

Since the change, I have regained the ability to remember events that took place in my earlier life. As if someone had just reopened the heretofore closed door to my past memories. It is an odd feeling to pass by places you did not recognize before. Now they seem to trigger pictures in my head, telling stories of long-past times.

I took myself some time to read my diary, just for the sake of remembering. By that, I have realized, that my wish of freedom and independency had almost cost my life. Even now that I have survived the multiple experiments on my body, I have to bear the consequences. I am afraid, that I will never get rid of my psychological suffering ever. It is now a part of me, and I will have find a way to live with it. Maybe I already did. Finally.

Yet, I will not get that one year back I have lost. In that time I have not just neglected myself, but also my closest friends. For example, Cody the equipment dealer in New York I have made friends with when I first came to Liberty. He helped me raise my own business, which I were successful with for a long time. That was when I remembered my abandoned "Democritus" which served me as shop and storage ship during my business in Liberty. I missed those times.

I have promptly notified Cody to invite him to a "holdiday flight" we often used to have in the past. Just to see the old man's face again, talking about old nostalgic times and those to come. Moreover, I asked him to look for my old yacht, checking what is still aboard it. I was suprised about the list he had sent me. I did not expect that many things remaining on it. Must have left New York in quite a rush after that robbery. I cannot remember if it was because I feared for my life or simply because I was done with Liberty's crime. In the end, it did not suit me living in house space, I suppose. Especially as a - more or less - lawful salesman.

Whatsoever, to my suprise, I apparently had one of those alien power cells in my storage. I used to sell them on Liberty's black market to researches now and then, but I would have never thought that I might need one myself one day. Well, actually Shodan wants it. Told me she has some ideas to make use of their potential. Creating a super weapon or something. I trust her that she knows what she is doing. After all, she seemed to have taken care of me during my "year of mental sickness" - how I would call it.

Though, I knew that I could not expect Cody to smuggle all that alien contraband across Liberty's borders and into the Omicrons. The police border controls would catch him. And if they will not, pirates will. So that was out of question. I will certainly have to look for them myself. I have found another source for a power cell anyways. The Core is willing to do business with me. Of course they demand a share and "sign of trust", but I am confident that everything will turn out well for both sides.

Apart from the contraband, personal belongings, remaining code weapons, armours and other assorted equipment, an almost unused docking module captured my interest. I think I had ordered it from Deep Space Engineering, to provide my "delivery ship" a safe docking possibility to my main store for good transfers. I guess, I can put it now to better use on The Narcotic, which was built with one docking bay already.

Last but not least, I considered the yacht's Gunboat Missile Turret, which was manufactured in Liberty, and came together with the ship's purchase on Baltimore Shipyard back then, to be worth a look. Maybe I can get it work on The Narcotic, to have it serve as a good anti-fighter weapon. "A thick hull and large guns will not safe you from being swarmed by insects, dropping nuclear bombs and "supernovas" on your defenseless spacecraft." That is what Shodan told me. And she was always right with what she said. I hope by that I can fix this weak point.

So in the end it was the Docking Module and Liberty Gunboat Missile Turret I asked Cody to take with him to our trip. Unfortunately, I will have to return to New York for the rest, one day. It seems like in life, there is always a point, where you have to return back to the roots.

Lee's old "Democritus" equipment store, moored at Norfolk Shipyard.

[Narcotic]

Date: 19 July 821
System: Omicron Alpha
Location: Graveyard
Topic: Old faces & old places

My old friend arrived safely at Freeport 11 this morning. The joy at seeing again was marvelous. Having his face in front of me, triggered a comfortable feeling that nobody else in this universe could give me. He used to be like a father to me, when my true father was taken from me. At this point I felt somewhat of a guilt for not having visited their graves for over a year. I knew, I must return to Malta as quick as possible!

Cody showed his sympathy and we set Omicron Alpha as our trip's destination. I had the feeling, that he did not care much where we were heading, as long as he was being together with me and not trapped in his business in New York.

However, before we could leave, we had to install the docking bays first, and see if we can find a ways to get the Missile Turret work. The former was not much of a problem, as it was the same manufactur design and worked just well below the already existing one. Though, we did not manage to connect the turret to The Narcotic's powercore. Their libertonian origin caused quite some troubles, given that they used different power links, that would not want to work with the maltese-design.

Shodan told me, that she can change the connections at Valetta Shipyard, where The Narcotic itself was constructed at. Perfect. This way we can kill two birds with one stone. After short preparations, Cody and I left the Freeport, heading for the system with the green sun with the green planet.

The journey was pleasantly uneventful, which is truly a blessing within the deeper Omicrons. The fact that we did not run into anyone's arms or tentacles was almost disturbing. Not that it would have caused us any problems - we did actually expect it in the first place. Anyhow, that way we did enjoy the beauty of uninhabited space to the full.

After our arrival on Planet Malta, I have assigned Shodan to take The Narcotic to Valetta Shipyard to deal with the power link issue with the missile turret. Meanwhile, I took myself some time to introduce my friend to the only place I ever dared to call "home". We had some refreshments while we talked about the past times; our friendship, our business, and what life may bring in future. Until this moment, I had no idea what would await me in a few hours.

When the old man, showed obvious signs of tiredness, I guided him to the guestroom of my inherited villa. Myself, I was not exhausted at all. It was like I am sharing the endurance of my artificial friend, Shodan. When Cody sank into a deep sleep, I realized, that this was the perfect opportunity to go for a walk to the local graveyard, to honor my parents.

As every time I stood in front of the pair of gravestones, ever thought in my head was gone, not leaving room for anything but void. I enjoyed the calmness. I totally forgot the time, when darkness was already filling the resting place of the dead. Soon, the spirits will come to guard them.

Just as I decided to leave, a new message popped up in my transponder. No chance, that he already woke up. And it was indeed not him, but a stranger inviting me to a drink.

The Narcotic moored at Valetta Shipyard near Planet Malta.

[Narcotic]

Date: 11 March 822
System: Omicron Delta
Location: The.Narcotic
Topic: Soulless Friends

I feel awful. Worse than I did when I was on that Cardamine withdrawal during my first trip around Sirius four years ago. My mental condition didn't even allow me to write a single log entry since months. Yet it feels like yesterday. It's not just my sense of time that seemed to had left me. It's like sanity moves away from me step by step. What had I done? Why am I to be punished with this.

In times like these, it's good to have a reliable person besides you. The irony is, that this 'person' ain't human. However, when there's no life, there's no feelings. Moods cannot carry over to artificial intelligences, that's what makes them so unfailing. Hence why I decided to have one. To compensate my humanity - my flaws most of all. Shodan knows what's best for me. I trust her my life.

Her suggestion to enter into cooperation with the "Prime", a recently formed artificial intelligence, sounded reasonable to me. We had successfully interacted with the former AIs before. And considering that we don't have many allies around, it's the least we could do. It really is, because Shodan doesn't seem to be very keen to cooperate with humans in general. I can't blame her. Humans are treacherous and egocentric by nature. And independent Freelancers are often being exploited by the larger organizations and militaries. The supply is higher than the demand when it comes to Freelancers. Therefore, they can't chose their employer, their payment does. That's why they're being treated like waste. And nobody cares, as you're on your own.

Thinking about it, makes me digust my species. "Insects" she calls us. I understand where this is coming from. Humans behave like parasites. Taking what isn't theirs, invading space that doesn't belong to them and fighting each other to the death. I do not wish to play a part in their loathsome game. There's greater plans to be had.